I've been lax this morning because the OS X Intel torrent finally downloaded. I approached my computer with apprehension and palpable turgidity—could this be the fabled x86 OS X ISO? Had I found the Grail of legend, the last disk from which Steve Jobs accessed data before he passed from this world into the darkling plain of the superego?

I cut open a fresh CD-R and my optical drive ejected, its open maw awaiting the sweet release of burning. The CD-R was too small. What magic was this? I opened a window to release the foul vapors that were emanating from the computer, a mix of sulphur and goat-smells that predated man's early walk with the Woz, our Savior, He of the 8-bit Instruction Set. I was turning from a mere mortal to an OSXomancer, a dark priest with control of both the living and the dead. I would walk in a land that for 5 years ran parallel to our own, a land formed by the the wizened crones of Cupertino who every night at midnight burned two copies of each build—one for the humans and one for the gods.

More after the jump.

Burning. I had never felt so much longing. Burning. Verifying. It was verifying. The burner was churning and I prepared to boot my PC. My Mac Mini, faithful to a fault for almost four months, seemed to cringe. It knew that its time was up. This was the end of the road, fair PowerPC-powered friend. The Mini ejected the foul disk and the smell grew stronger. I saw shadows flicker behind the bookshelf and the mouse seemed to be greasier, wet with my anticipatory glee.

Time to press the button.

The PC churned to life. The fans whirred and it was as if my PC was a hovercraft that would take me to a new and beautiful country. There I would frolic with Aqua, Steve would wave to me from the water and beckon me in. He would be standing on the water, I would be in a boat. I would float towards him and he would show me such secrets, such beautiful secrets. They would be more than just Splat-X and Splat-V. They would be more than just "ps -ea." I opened my PC's optical drive. It was time to Switch.

My KVM chirped. Windows 2000 appeared. Out foul beast! Make way for your Master! Make the roads straight and herd the Wild Eep! For He Comes! He Spins Up! No! My optical drive isn't booting first. It's going to the HD, that fetid land of the Accidental OS. Bill Gates never had to fight his way out of a garage, he never had to pick apples to build his first computer, he never had to deal with poorly made PowerPC clones, he never had to think about just the right color for the trash can. Away with thee, Windows 2000. Darken this keyboard no more. A pox on all your business units! The fumes were overpowering.

I switched the BIOS to boot from the optical disk. I restarted. The disk churned and a strange, beautiful light enveloped everything. I almost fell asleep. I could have rested now for eternity. My purpose was complete. I closed my eyes and lay back and let it wash over me. It was a feeling of peace, of joy, of absolute serenity.

The disk was booting!

Seconds passed. Each one was an eon. 1... the paramecium are born in the briny waters of early earth... 2... the dinosaurs roamed among the ferns and the grasping vines... 3... the early mammals skittered under the onslaught of fire... 4... man is here, his first paintings and drawings, the first inklings that he had a kernel, a soul... 5... great philosophers, great thinkers, great authors all appear, warriors take huge tracts of land, monks toil over manuscripts, Bill Carris writes Inside Atari Basic, the Apple II appears, a supernova, and walking towards me on a knife edge of light, this strange being, luminous and thin, the ultimate expression of our evolution, a Debian-powered angel awaiting my orders...

Then the goatse guy appeared. Must have been a hoax. MAC OSX TIGER X86 READ NFO.torrent is a dud. Anyone else have another torrent?