12 Things More Likely Than You Winning Tonight's $636 Million JackpotS

After tonight's MegaMillions lottery drawing, someone could be walking away $636 million richer. The odds of winning, however, are less enticing: 1-to-259,000,000. But that doesn't mean it's not a good investment! Someone, somewhere, someday is probably going to become disgustingly rich. And that disgusting person could be you!

But it probably won't be. This past October, the MegaMillions powers that be decided to change the odds of winning the lottery—and not in our favor. So to make you feel better (or you know, worse), here are some things more likely to happen to you than winning tonight's jackpot:

Diagnosed With Hemorrhoids: 25-to-1

Being a (Male Aged 25-44) Virgin: 35-to-1

Flying With a Drunk Pilot: 117-to-1

Houston Astros Win the World Series: 200-to-1

Being Deemed Possessed by Satan: 7,000-to-1

Bowling a Perfect 300: 11,500-to-1

Dating a Supermodel: 88,000-to-1

Dying From Choking on Food: 370,035-to-1

Struck by Lightning: 576,000-to-1

Dying From Coming in Contact With Hot Tap Water: 5,005,564-to-1

Being Canonized: 20,000,000-to-1

Being Crushed to Death by a Vending Machine: 112,000,000-to-1

But don't listen to us; go right ahead and buy your ticket–you never know! Just bear in mind that, compared to winning, you're nearly twice as likely to leave this world with an obituary that reads, "He died doing what he loved, being smothered by Cheetos."