Being that it is currently All Hallows Eve, a night on which the demons and ghosties come out of their uneasy graves to destroy the souls of the living, we decided to get a jump on those selfsame ghosties and destroy our own souls with JustBorn Peeps Pumpkin DelighFills.
Peeps, to those not in the know, are a traditional American Easter candy. They consist of lumpules of fluffy marshmallow product dusted in pink or yellow sugar and dotted with a tiny wax eye. However, in recent years, the manufacturers of Peeps, JustBorn, has decided to try their hand at other shapes. All was right with the world: Christmas Peeps tasted like Easter Peeps which tasted like Armistice Day Peeps... until the DelightFill.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I'm John Biggs of Gizmodo and Peeps is my business. And our very special business today is the horrifying chocolate-filled pumpkin Peep.
We begin our foray into HORROR with the box. As we can see, there is considerably less overall Peepage in this box than the usual Easter Peep panoply. I ate quite a few in the car on the way home, but I can safely estimate that there were six pumpkins to the pack. The packaging suggests a house of horror and the packaging is correct—this innocuous 99 cent package does house horror... of the Peep kind.
Initial investigations conclude that this is truly a member of the Peep family. It is squishy, covered in sugar, and, given the old adage that something that quacks like a duck, etc is a duck, initial inspection of this horror intimates that it will hold its own with the other members of Peepdom. However, this is not the case.
We began by taking a scalpel to one Peep and exploring its innards. There we found a lump of dark fudge product which appeared, at first, to be a manufacturing mistake. It was as if the Peep system at JustBorn had begun squirting motor oil into each punkin, creating an unholy amalgam of sugar and grease.
The chocolate appeared to be removable, but this was not the case. Upon further exploration, we found that the chocolate, aside from being definitely not "real" was surprising wet and gooey, like chocolate syrup. Removal of said chocolate was deemed impossible.
As I had partaken in a Peep or two in the car, I was not surprised by the taste or texture of the Pumpkin Peep. It was Peep-full... up to a point. Once the chocolate began to meld with the traditional Peep body I was struck dumb by the result. I actually suspect that these Peeps have been genetically altered so as not to interact negatively with the chocolate, thereby forming an unholy union of faux marshmallow and faux chocolate which creates, very simply, lump of undying pain.
So skip the haunted house this year, gents. Take your lady friend to the local grocery, get a box of these, and scare yourselves silly. Once that special lady in your life tries one or two she'll be swooning in your arms as you hold her hair back over the toilet. Wink!