Here is a thing that exists in the world: The SnapBat, a baseball bat that is also a selfie stick. Goddammit.
Though it’s apparently been around since this summer, the SnapBat landed in the spotlight once again today after Snapchat announced it would be partnering with Major League Baseball to give fans an “inside look”at Spring Training, which is basically a bunch of exhibition games played for the express purpose of making sure your expensive star doesn’t show up to practice fat and out of shape.
The highlight of this partnership will reportedly involve a lot of Snapchat stories from players who will finally be able to bring their phones with them into the dugout. Amongst other things, they’ll be encouraged to take selfies with—you guessed it—the SnapBat.
Wow, I really can’t wait for this! Just kidding, it sounds awful. The idea of bringing dugout action—which can often be quite fun—to fans is actually sort of cool, but any excitement quickly dissipates once the SnapBat enters the picture. Seriously, though, you guys look dumb.
Anyway, here’s a list of things I’d much rather smash with a SnapBat instead.
1. Regular selfie sticks
A few years ago I was walking across the Brooklyn Bridge and saw my first selfie stick in the wild. It was a dark moment, but it reinforced my confidence in my own self-control because I didn’t immediately rip it out of the hands of its owner and launch it into the traffic whizzing by below.
2. A Large Donald Trump Piñata
And it would only set you back $79!
3. Bubble wrap
Who says everything on this list has to be bad? Smashing layers of bubble wrap would be deeply therapeutic.
4. An overpriced ballpark hotdog
I do not want to pay $5 for a meat tube of unknown origins.
I bear a permanent psychological scar from the time in middle school I tried to make them work. They didn’t, and they never will.
7. My wireless router
Sometimes it just stops working for no reason, and then I have to spend 20 minutes dicking around with it and turning the knobs in exactly the right way, and then an hour later it decides to take another coffee break. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, ROUTER.
8. Keurig machines
They use coffee pods, and coffee pods are bad.
9. Bacardi Razz bottles
Thanks to a really bad experience with Bacardi Razz at the age of 16, the sight of Bacardi Razz bottles makes me break out in a cold sweat. I would like to eradicate them from the face of the planet.
10. People who wear sunglasses inside
11. Derek Jeter
I know, I know, he’s retired now. But I still hate him, and I will never not hate him. 2003 was a painful time.
On the other hand, they might explode if I beat them up, so maybe not.
13. The kneecaps of my enemies
You know who you are. You will think I am there for a selfie, but I am not. I am there for your knees.
14. The Snapchat Ghost
Fuck you, ghost.