Why go through the messy act of "intercourse" when you can get your wife/girlfriend/lover pregnant the easy way: with a conception cap. The cap works by having the man squirt his baby-making goods into the cap, then placing the cap at the woman's cervix opening. With any luck, the woman will soon be vomiting and retaining water like a pro.
Actually this is even better than sex the normal way, because it bypasses all the sperm killing juices of the woman's hoo-hoo and places the semen as close to the uterus as possible, at the opening of the cervix. It's FDA approved for home use, which is an improvement over similar older devices which had to be placed inside by a physician. Great news for couples who are trying to get pregnant. Available for $299.