Are you looking for that special gift that tells a distant cousin, "I don't really give a crap that you are a
successful tax attorney
blogger who makes occasional appearances on
cropped-head YouTube stripteases. Back when you were five, you played basketball in a peewee league for a month, and since then I haven't thought of you once."
Well then here you go, it only costs $14.99. I'll look forward to opening it.