A Heart-Warming Message from the RIAA

Alright, you college student pirate assholes, LISTEN UP. Cary Sherman and Mitch Bainwol, the president and CEO of the RIAA, respectively, have a message for you in an op/ed on Inside Higher Ed. Suing all of you is "necessary" because what you're doing is costing "billions of dollars in lost revenue, millions of dollars in lost taxes, thousands of lost jobs." That's right, people are losing their JOBS. Thousands of them. I'm not sure who or what they did, but this is probably because now they're unemployed, thanks to you.

You stole two thirds of your music. You told the NPD you did. So now, "finding a record store still in business anywhere near a campus is a difficult assignment at best." It's not because of Best Buy and Wal-Mart undercutting them with lower prices or anything, it's because those super low prices weren't low enough for your thieving asses.

And these damn universities are so uncooperative. The RIAA is being super helpful and showing them all kinds of ways block P2P entirely to stop you bastards in your tracks, since "the overwhelming, if not sole, use of these applications on campus is to illegally download and distribute copyrighted works." It's not like anyone actually uses that BitTorrent store, after all.

It's a damn shame schools aren't doing more, because they have a "moral responsibility, as educators, as organizations transmitting values" to teach you jackasses not to steal music. Which is why "when schools increasingly provide their students with amenities like cable TV, there is simply no reason not to offer them cheap or free legal access to the music they crave." Yeah, schools should pay for the licenses for those services. The RIAA deserves that money, so they get paid even if you resort to stealing music encoded at a higher bit rate with no DRM. Greedy assholes.

Artists' mansions are shrinking. Their children are only able to afford a Wii and a 360, but not a PS3. Think about that the next time you download Nelly's new album, or even some up-and-coming band's new record which you tell all your friends about so they go to their shows and stuff. You just stole a CD from them.

God, why do you keep complaining about the RIAA? They're just trying to "educate these particular students about the importance of music... and the importance of respecting and valuing music as intellectual property." You don't have to be a pirate for life. The RIAA can help. It just needs a small settlement to get you started.

Explaining the Crackdown on Student Downloading [Inside Higher Ed via Boing Boing]