iPhone Non-News of the Day: No News is Non-News is Good News?

Yes, folks, it's time for your favorite part of Gizmodo, the daily roundup where we tell you just exactly what ISN'T going on with the iPhone.

Bong! Her Majesty the Queen of England has not been given an iPhone to see whether she can feed the Corgis with it or not.

Bong! No iPhone was found orbiting Uranus in an Oldsmobile last week.

Bong! Zapruder footage did not show man behind grassy knoll using iPhone to call Marilyn Monroe and say excitedly, "Dere you are, sweetheart, I gottim. Now it's just you and me, babe."

Bong! Marvel Comics are not to introduce new superhero iPhoneMan (slogan: I phone, therefore I am a man with fingers; uniform: black teeshirt and jeans in easywipe spandex; catchphrase: "Boom!"

So, if that was not the non-news, what is the non-news? Ah, you'll find it hiding behind the grassy knoll that is the jump.

It's time to say a little prayer for your cellphone manufacturer and operator. A man called Tobin at ChangeWave Research has said that, of all the companies, Motorola will be hardest hit, its market share dropping to 17 percent. And operators will lose out to Cingular, thanks to its Apple deal.

Still with Cingular, they are planning on aiming the iPhone at business customers, despite the fact that Apple analysts are telling companies to "Move away from the iPhone." Megaphone in hand, Gartner analyst Ken Dulaney continued. "We'd immediately tell our customers that'd be a serious mistake." The reason being that Apple have no track record when it comes to cellphones, and that it is not a mobile to use while you are driving. Is any?

Oh, you've gotta love analysts—almost as much as they love themselves, eh? Here's another one who told us that Apple have done a Jolly Good Thing and that the iPhone is going to build upon the company's iPod legacy.

Students, you gotta just love 'em. Twenty-five percent of the ones questioned in a Piper Jaffray survey said that they would buy the iPhone. And a yacht. And a private jet with space for their Lamborghini and Victoria's Secret model girlfriend's tanga collection. Author Adrian Kingsley-Hughes does at least point out that there is a difference between buying something and saying you will buy it.

And finally, let's see what Dvorak has to say, shall we? He's so, like, over the iPhone because he, like, just KNOWS he's going to be disappointed. And, like, he doesn't, like care, if Jobs' latest cutiepie is 2007's must-have, because his mobile was handmade by handmaids in Sweden, hand-rolled on their creamy thighs, and its protective case lovingly crafted from the scrotum of the last Barbary Ape that braved Victoria Falls in a sherry barrel.

As one of the few people in North America with a Swedish touchscreen NeoNode phone, which is similar to the iPhone, I've already been playing with essentially the same thing for nearly two years. (Actually, I may have the only one in North America, since it had to be custom-made to work here. It's a great conversation piece.)

I can see it now.
Dvorak: "Hi. Do you like my phone? It's the only one of its kind over here."
Random man in bathroom: "..."