iPhone Non-News: 100% Refreshing Chilled Alcohol and Lime Juice!

Yes, it's another round of iPhone Non-News, carefully collected from around the Web to keep you up to date with all the stuff that's happening with the Apple wonder that you should know about.



Or maybe you shouldn't. Actually I would say that some of the stuff is barely happening at all. In fact, nobody was that careful collecting these either. But you know what? Who cares?! It's Friday and this martini glass right here contains three parts of tequila, two of triple-sec and one of lime juice, plus a salted rim. Today my friends, it's margaritas, sunshine and partying with my pals at Larry's yacht all day long for me... and iPhone Non-News after the jump for you.

Don't feel bad about not being invited, though. You see, many other people aren't coming to this mighty ship. Like that Fred Anderson traitor (Note to Diane: call Fred, maybe he should come and we'll play "Walk the plank" with him when we reach international waters.)

There are others too. See Al, that hippie over there playing the bongos? He just told me that Steve Ballmer won't come either because he can't bring his own ZunePhone. In fact, Al says that there won't be any ZunePhones at all. I don't know what he's smoking. I mean, who cares about the ZunePhone anyway? He also says that Steve got all fed up with us, saying that the idea of the iPhone is silly, that his Windows Mobile phones rule and that he will add Zune-like software to them. Maybe he means a Windows Mobile cellphone with music playback that will have the same raging success as the Zune. Dunno. Let me ask Al again. Hey! Gore! Yo! Can you tell me what Steve means with "we can put Zune into Windows Mobile" and "we can pour everything in?" Hey you! Treehugger! I'm talking to you!

Damn bongos.

Anyway Ballmer, those words from you just made Billy's "Zune skirting" pop into my head. And let me tell you mate, it's just not funny. Call me when you can to explain, yes? Thanks.

Another one who is not invited to the party is that MarketCircle developer dude. Somehow he hasn't learned yet that the iPhone is a closed system... but you know, maybe we will have to invite him because I like him. I do. I mean, he just said that the stuff Microsoft is saying about the iPhone is just FUD! FUD! FUD!. Check it out:

"The one thing Microsoft seems to forget is that the iPhone has the multi-tasking Mac OS X at its core. Mac OS X already trumps Microsoft's desktop OS, never mind its mobile OS. You can already read MS Word documents with Mac OS X out of the box using TextEdit. As a developer, I can tell you the .doc reading capabilities are right in Cocoa. You can open PowerPoint documents in Keynote and I'm sure Apple has something up its sleeve for Excel."

He's exactly right. As a developer you can do all that. But only if we give you the manual and the keys to Daddy's car. Hmmm... maybe I should ask Avie if he knows something we haven't told anyone yet when he comes back from the bridge. I believe he was hacking the radar a minute ago.

Anyway, Jerome just called to tell me that some more people want to party with us: seems like young users are hitting Apple's site more than anyone else lately—and it's all because of the iPhone! They'll probably never return after they see that our pages don't have embedded music and flashing multi-colored text scrolling against pink backgrounds with embossed Christina Aguileras. So if you are a teenager reading this, let me tell you one thing: piss off. This is an adult party and I am starting to get drunk already. Oh, you girls brought a bikini. Nice. OK, you can come in. Is that a G-string? Boom! You too then. Eric there will serve you all Shirley Temples.

The AT&T people won't come either because they are throwing a party of their own. Cheap and massive. In your own home too: They will grab all your data to spam the hell out of you if you want to get notified when the iPhone comes out. Enjoy the cheap beer! Or just the cheap. No beer.

Now my friends, you are probably asking yourself how to get into the A-list and join the fiesta. Well, if you really want to spend a summer on Larry's big boat with all these 18-year-olds who just came in, maybe you should think about applying to work with us as an iPhone Sales & Service representative. After all, remember that:

"As an iPhone Sales & Service Representative, you're at the core of the customer's experience. This newly created position (like a true pioneer) will fuel the iPhone revolution!"

It's a revolution! So go ahead and ring our number. We guarantee you that at least 1 out of 10,000,000 calls will get a place in Larry's sunny love cruise while the rest of you will spend a whole summer in customer support hell. Look at it this way: in any case you will have an unlimited supply of Odwala juice. Wait. Scratch all that and write "all straight to hell, no juice."

By now, maybe you are asking who will come to this party. Well, I can tell you that a few guys from the iPhone team will because I am very happy to report that we are on track to ship iPhone in late June 31st and a few just came back from Taipei. Unlike the Mac OS X guys, who will stay chained to their desk until October.

And now that you ask, I have to confess that I am thinking about calling that Oppenheimer guy too. I know he's a little bit of a bore, but I heard he has a nice collection of feline-themed Speedo Turbos. And he has established new clear accounting strategies, so we can deploy free features in the iPhone and AppleTV without charging extra money, unlike the 802.11n on MacBooks disaster.

And Phil? People, Phil's Phil. Phil's The Man. Phil will be doing wireless demonstrations and videoconferencing with us from our destination, Hawaii, while having piña coladas and foot massages. All. Day. Long.

OK, I lied.

Phil has to stay in Cupertino guarding the castle. But I gave him my Porsche and the iPod with all my Beach Boys albums, so he can cruise down to L.A. from time to time. Hmm. OK, so maybe that's not true either. I just made him a playlist. That's it. A motivational playlist with AC/DC, Led Zeppelin and the Rolling Stones. Three songs. On repeat.

And loads of Milli Vanilli. Phil loves them. He just does.

I think.

Whatever. I must get a refill now. Pronto.