What's long, white, wiry and fluffy and has a bit of hardware stuck on the end? A tail cam, of course. Available in Japan from Angel Kitty (they are the hot freekz who brought us the French Maid Keyboard) it will cost you $146, but I think that's a bit expensive, so, after the jump, I'll tell you how to make your own.
1. Take a wire clothes hanger. Unbend it (you may need to ask a burly friend to do this—how about that nice male nurse who brings you your special magic pills each evening?) until it is almost straight.
2. Wind some nice soft fabric or ribbon around the wire. You may find the ties on your special white jacket that fastens at the back useful here. Congratulations! The tail is now finished.
3. Attach a camera to the end of it. Perhaps the one in the corner of your special padded bedroom will do—yes, that's right, the one with the small red winking eye that is always telling you, in that secret, blinky language that only you and it understand, that WOMEN ARE THE CEREMONIAL TOBY JUGS THAT SATAN'S HOUSEKEEPER KEEPS ON THE FRENCH DRESSER IN HIS KITCHENETTE AND THEY MUST BE DESTROYED. ALL OF THEM.
4. Hurrah! Now you're ready to use it.
5. Using the other end of the wire, pick the special lock of your special bedroom door. That's right. Down the corridor you go, using it to check round the corners that none of your special burly friends are lying in wait for you.
6. Once out of the special compound, make for the train station. This may be difficult as your special slippers with the ball and chain round them will hamper your movements. Don't worry, slow and steady wins the race every time.
7. Keep your eyes out for a lay-dee/ceremonial toby jug of Satan or whatever you prefer to call them. Once you have located one, say nothing.
8. Hide behind her and, slowly, quietly, put the end of the tail with the camera attached up her skirt. Not too far up, mind you, or nothing will be in focus.
9. Howl like a banshee as you realise there is no way you're going to see the secret, hidden part of Satan's toby jugs, as you left your UMPC behind.
10. When they come for you, do not resist. It is futile—not to mention painful.