A Message to Panasonic, Purveyors of Real Pro Ultra Massage Chairs

Dear Panasonic. First of all, I'd like to say how fine that Real Pro Ultra massage chair looks, if a little scary. It reminds me of that robot thing in Aliens - you know, the one that Ripley straps herself into right at the end. I'm sort of waiting for the model (about whom, more later) to start moving about the room in it, shouting, "Get away from her you BITCH!" just for the hell of it.

But could I just make a few observations? Firstly, if you want us to buy this thing - and, at $4,799, you're asking quite a lot - you need to do something to your press shots. Biscuit parquet covered by an even beiger carpet, and walls the color of biannually-cleaned fish tanks do not a sale make. What happened to the rest of the furniture? Perhaps she had to flog it all in order to pay for this vibrating mound of Pleather .

You will, I am sure, allow me to say a few words about the sleeping lay-dee, clad in what looks like a leisure suit (Is it softest Terry towelling? I bet it is) - sure, she may have assumed the "Do it quietly and gently, or you'll wake her" position, but it's just, not enough, is it?

No sirree. What you want is some shameless minx, clambering upside down on the chair, all tousled blonde hair extensions and PVC, oiled up, legs akimbo, proclaiming to the world that, yes, she likes 200 inches, she can TAKE two hundred inches, because that is what your massage chair can give her. 200 inches (square inches, obnoviously) of back massage! 460 inches of air massage - is that like air guitar, only more sensuous? The Giz must know now, please.

She must writhe and shiver, telling potential customers that the Real Pro Ultra does it Shiatsu-style, does Swedish, has a magic thumb that soothes away stiffness (oh, hold on, best not say that) erm, has a magic thumb that does unspeakable things, that grasps, that kneads, that can cater for up to four people*. Tell her to point out, breathlessly, that the chair is made of easy-wipe, synthetic leather, that it comes in either chocolate brown or black, and it's exclusively available at The Sharper Image.

And if that doesn't work, tell her to get her kit off and make an "Ooh" shape with her mouth. [Panasonic]

*Not at the same time, sadly.