Flatpack Christmas Tree Takes All the Fun out of the Holiday SeasonS

Designed with the green customer in mind, Buro North's flatpack Christmas tree comes in three sizes—1'3", 3' and 7'5". Ah, I feel a song coming on. *Clamps pipe in mouth, sits on rocking chair and starts crooning*
I'm dreaming of a Flatpack Christmas,
Just like the Ones I Never Had.
With tempers fraying,
And In-laws staying,
It's enough to send a sane man—or woman—mad.

If you do insist on putting up one of these hideous, expensive (the three sizes are $60, $200 and $1,414 respectively) and fugly balsa wood Christmas trees, mark my words, you will wrestle with it for three hours, your father-in-law will tell you that it sucks donkey balls and it's just not Christmas, that nasty nephew with the personal hygiene problem will graffiti Death To Grandma She Smells of Wee on it. Then your wife will whine that Dec 25 just ain't the same without the smell of pine needles, and unbeknownst to you, the dog will start chewing the base. A half-hour later, the kids will knock it down, the toddler will get caught underneath it, your wife will then become hysterical and escape to hospital to have the baby's bruise checked out and, as the door slams behind her, everyone will throw you an accusatory glance as if to say, "Hey, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT." [Buro North via MoCo Loco]