This week's bewildering I Survived... challenge dressed contestants as bride and groom before sending them across narrow bridges to meet and consummate their union like it's 1499. The catch(es)? They're surround by a sea of powder and the floor is spinning, both literally and figuratively. Before the challenge starts contestants are spun until they can barely stand, and during the (chastity belt?) unlocking are stumbled atop separate rotating platforms, making their simple task almost impossible.

The challenge works just as well as a spectacle and a marriage allegory. Spinning with excitement, you dress in odd, uncomfortable clothes and march down a narrow path. When you finally meet, you regain your composure and stand across from each other. Later, still drunk on optimism and champagne, you clumsily ratify the union in the eyes of the (evidently medieval) Catholic church. Confused and frustrated, you crawl back to your respective chairs and sit, wondering how you ended up where you are and how you can get out. Which is sort of how the cast members of this show must be feeling right now.

Anyway, here's a bonus pic of the co-host who is not very impressed with the host's awesome MC Hammer dance routine:

Stay tuned (to your Giz) for weekly coverage of the 45 seconds of this show that is actually worth watching. [ABC]

Send an email to John Herrman, the author of this post, at jherrman@gizmodo.com.