The Laser Toothbrush Pew! Pews! Logical Reasoning

Colgate? Dead. Crest? Gone. Aquafresh? Don't make us laugh. Look, people—laser toothbrushes are here. That means no more tarter, cavities or root canals. Life will be better. From the manufacturer Smart Miracles:

Here’s your opportunity to have Hollywood white, super-healthy teeth, thanks this revolutionary, super-safe, medical-quality laser toothbrush. It has an energy concentration so low that any tissue surface, even eye tissue, is safe! It works with a programmed tooth management system that turns on the laser for a recommended treatment period (55 seconds) with one-touch mode switch. In this case, the laser toothbrush does not need toothpaste but directly radiates laser on teeth. This revolutionary semiconductor medical laser helps decrease sensitivity, toothache pain, inflammation, and even helps eliminate bad breath. No more messy toothpaste accidents, now you can clean your teeth with light! [AA batteries included]

Don't trouble yourself with working out exactly how the laser is powerful enough to burn plaque and germs but leave your gums, teeth and eyes intact, because we can tell you how. It's a freaking laser.

Maybe we're being to hard on the Smart Miracles Laser Toothbrush. Maybe this $69.95 device operates just as advertised, eliminating bad breath and decreasing sensitivity while not necessarily doing a damn thing for actual tooth health—after all, a tongue cleaner can eradicate most morning mouth without cool beams of light. But still, I'm not trusting it to do anything right related to my precious oral hygiene. And I love lasers. [Smart Miracles via bookofjoe]