The Desperate Times Before Internet PornS

Getting porn as a kid in the '70s was hard. You had to be part 007, part Pee Wee Herrman and part Rocky (specifically, the meat beating training scene). In short, there was no internet. How'd they do it?

They had their ways. Although old-timers may tell you they had to wank uphill both ways in the snow, there was porn to be had. It might not have been great porn, but mankind got off before there even was porn.

The only odd part about many of these methods is that you had to interact with somebody to get your porn. An oddity in today's one-man private show in front of the computer.

Click to viewGizmodo '79 is a week-long celebration of gadgets and geekdom 30 years ago, as the analog age gave way to the digital, and most of our favorite toys were just being born.

Thanks to Noobs-R-Us in sparking the idea for this post

The Desperate Times Before Internet PornS

Sneaking into porn theaters. Yeah, there were porn theaters. These looked like regular theaters on the outside, but on the inside there were many, many more penises and vaginas. If you were underage but clever, you could somehow sneak into the theater via an older brother, a friend working at the theater or a fake mustache.

Of course, once you were inside and watching the movie, you still had to hold it until you got home. Despite it being a communal function, it was still generally frowned upon to pull one out while other dudes were sitting next to you.

Porn quality: 10
Privacy: 5

The Desperate Times Before Internet PornS

Using lingerie and clothing catalogs: Various women's undergarment catalogs like JC Penney provided ample material for the youngsters of the 70s. What they lacked in actual nudity they made up for in quality of models (sometimes).

Although guys (especially young ones) had easier access to these catalogs than more mature fare like Playboy or Penthouse, it was just as hard to explain away why they had one of these stashed under your bed. The excuse of shopping for a birthday/Christmas/Hanukkah present would be tenuous at best.

But, the fact that the models had most of their clothing on provided a great imagination-building exercise that strengthened minds for the future. This explains why movies today are just uninspired rehashes of what we already saw in the '80s.

Porn quality: 3.5
Privacy: 8

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The Desperate Times Before Internet PornS

Mental spank bank: The ultimate in bare-bones beating, this required you to be ultra-vigilant during your day in order to store images for later use. Trips to the beach, the department store changing room, the food court at the mall, the post office, the pool, the dentist's office, the Grand Canyon and the polling booth could all obtain lucrative deposits for your bank.

The downside, of course, is that this relied solely on your memory. So any errant noise or smell could interfere with the delicate recollection process, making an already longer-than-usual activity take even longer.

But, the fact that you can do this anywhere, in any position, trained you well for life down the road. If you can squeeze one out standing up in the shower, lying down in bed, squatting in the woods, kneeling in your neighbor's bushes or face down in your backyard, you could literally squeeze one out anywhere. At work, during your lunchbreak? No problem. At night, while you were visiting grandma's smelly apartment? Cake. In the car, waiting for your old lady to pick up the dry cleaning? Done and done.

Porn quality: 0-3 (Depending on how well your imagination worked)
Privacy: 10

The Desperate Times Before Internet Porn

Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler: As a teen, you may not have legally been able to get these magazines, but when has that problem stopped any kid from getting anything? You could bribe the guy at the corner store, swipe your dad's when he wasn't looking, borrow one from your friends, ask your older brother to buy one for you, or just plain steal one.

Although the more commonly available magazines didn't show hardcore penetration, it was usually enough for kids in the '70s to get the job done. If you somehow froze that same kid in 1979, unfroze him in 2009 and showed him YouPorn, he would simultaneously masturbate while holding up his other hand to shield his eyes in disgust. It's a new world, my friends.

Porn quality: 7
Privacy: 3

The Desperate Times Before Internet PornS

Nude scenes on TV: Before VHS (or Betamax) became common, people had to stick to their programming schedules. As Adam Carolla (a man who was alive and masturbating during the '70s) says, they had to time their diddling sessions in accordance to whatever movie was airing.

If something had a nude scene 57 minutes into the film and started at 11:00 PM, you would do the mental calculations and turn on the TV at 12:25 (accounting for commercials) and see maybe a boob and a half. That would have to last you for a week and a half.

Porn quality: 3
Privacy: 2