So Long Nipples, This Time You Won't Be MissedS

I hate my Mighty Mouse. It gets so dirty so quickly. And that damn scroll nipple—sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. That's why I want the new Apple Magic Mouse, the second Apple mouse with no buttons whatsoever.

The first was the Apple Pro Mouse. I got one free at the July 2000 Macworld Conference & Expo in New York City. After taking tons of crap for the original iMac's hamburger mouse, Steve Jobs conceded and happily presented the insanely great Apple Pro Mouse. So insanely great it was that he gave one free to every person in the audience. I got two, because I'm greedy like that (and my first wife was with me at the time).

It's still my favorite Apple mouse ever. It was sleek, all in black, with two layers of polycarbonate: One transparent outside, the other translucent black inside. It felt like it was made out of mercury, with its circuitry glowing in laser red. Like the Apple Magic Mouse, it also clicked, with a crunchabolous clickity-clack noise more satisfying than biting a five-Pringles stack.

Sure, it only had one button. I didn't care. I would rather have one button that works every single time, than two fake buttons that work so-so, two side-buttons that I had to deactivate because they were driving me crazy, and a nipple that gets dirty quicker than a Bangkok brothel, except that this whiskered hooker never works. That's the Apple Mighty Mouse. One lousy mouse that will not be missed.