10 Terrible Tips for Longer Battery Life

Nowadays, everything comes with a rechargeable battery, but who knew that getting long battery life could get soooo confusing? Here are 10 expert-backed tips to keep you from running low on the juice:

1. Since a battery should never be 100% full or 100% empty, you should charge it then discharge it in sequence ideally ranging between 80% to 20%. Start by charging for 12 minutes, then running it down, then charge it for 11 minutes then run it down, and so on. Confused? Just use this handy formula: n!=C(n,k)/r! where n can't equal r, and k never reaches zero. Simple!

2. If you use a phone or laptop without first charging its battery fully, you will die.

3. A lot of battery experts warn of the memory effect, but it's not really an "effect." It's just their way of saying "Remember to charge your batteries!"

4. Batteries run better when cold. The easiest way to do this is to find a refrigerated warehouse or meat locker, befriend the night watchman, and do all your work from there. ($20 bribes usually work.)

5. If your laptop battery gets hot enough to sear tuna, step away. Check your fridge for tuna. If no tuna in fridge, run to the supermarket to buy tuna. Don't worry, as long as you don't unplug your laptop, the battery will stay hot while you are gone.

6. When putting your laptop into storage, take out the battery. Wrap the extracted battery in a well oiled cloth and place it in a clay pot. Bury the pot in a hayfield. Any will do, but it's best if there's a long rock wall with a big oak tree at the north end. The battery should keep fresh for up to six months that way. If you're worried about finding it again, just mark your spot with a rock that has no earthly business in a hayfield. I favor black volcanic glass.

7. If your battery is about to run dry, take it out and blow on it. I have no idea why this works, but it totally does.

8. If your battery does die, you can always make your own: A potato theoretically has enough "potential energy" stored inside to power a laptop for a full hour—the trick is knowing where to stick the wires. Just ask a third grader. One tip: The potato must not be baked.

9. You should never confuse your batteries. Here's an easy way to keep them apart in your head: Lithium Ion batteries explode, Nickel Cadmium destroys the environment, and Lead Acid batteries are more corrosive than the Alien Queen's blood (plus, they contain lead). You can eat Lithium Ferro Phosphate batteries.

10. People may tell you to carry a battery-life extender in your bag, but the secret there is, it's just another battery. What do I recommend? Jumper cables.