The Holidays are depressing. Religious celebrations aside, they're filled with time spent with a family you didn't choose, little sun, zero free time and an obligation to buy stuff for other people. Do you know someone with this outlook?
Here are the gifts you should give to that guy. And by give, I mean quietly sneak up and shoving it in his mail slot, because if he's anything like the Holiday Haters we know, he'll have barricaded himself in and shut off all forms of communication with the outside.
And if you hate the gallery format as much as he hates the holidays, click here.
A Philips GoLite Blu: If someone hates the holidays, it's likely that they hate the holiday season as well. Part of that is due to seasonal affective disorder, which in layman's terms, means you're not getting enough sunlight and you're depressed as a result.
Cellphone Flask: If your friend really hates being around family, there's few (legal) ways of making the time go by faster than getting stupidly drunk. But what if they're gifted with at least a little semblance of tact and don't want to go all out with a flask? Then here's the cellphone flask. Provided the guy's family is as dumb as he claims, they might not realize that this silver beauty really hides a few ounces of vodka and not his office email. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll have to take this call. $10 [Amazon]
Yule Log Christmas Fireplace Blu-ray: This combines the traditional holiday tradition of sitting in front of a fireplace with the more palatable tradition of sitting in front of a TV. Your friend might hate the former, but he must still enjoy TV, right? Right? With the newly-updated Blu-ray version, he can just leave it on and enjoy the fake flames while doing whatever it is he does normally. Which, if our guess is right, is planning his own death. $11 [Amazon]
Festivus Pole LED Color Light Kit: Your loved one may hate the holidays, but what about Festivus? Bordering somewhere between a real holiday and a crappy meme that will not die, Festivus is the holiday for hipsters too cool or too poor to celebrate one of the "traditional" ones. On the plus side, you get a pole, so why not decorate it with some LED lights from China? $18 [Chinavasion]
Ex-lax Chocolate Laxatives: One hilarious way to a party is to have all the guests run home with Christmas sweaters tied around their pants. Any holiday hater will die to have these miracle pills in their arsenal of holiday-escaping gadgets, even if it isn't quite that gadgety. Think of it as Batman's utility belt if Batman really wanted to get out of a get together and was willing to wait 6 to 12 hours. $9 [Amazon]
Withings Wi-Fi Scale: Nothing pisses off a holiday hater more than someone actually enjoying themselves. How does one undo this mirth? By showing them how much weight they've gained since November. The Wi-Fi scale is fantastic because there's no hiding your weight—it gets uploaded automatically, online, and converted into graph form. Take that, innocent person who's just trying to celebrate the holidays. $160 [Gizmodo]
Swine Flu Protection Kit: Another thing holiday haters hate worse than the holidays is getting sick during the holidays. With the swine flu protection kit, even if your friend isn't actually safe from disease, he has peace of mind. [Amazon]
A Donation In His Name: For a person who hates the holidays and everything they stand for, giving him a present that's actually a present to someone else is the worst thing imaginable. It's like telling him that you HAD the excess money to spend on a present, but decided to give it to someone else instead. Or, like waving a bowl of food in front of a starving child and saying that there's a hungrier child that this is going to instead, and thanking him for his kindness. Don't do this!
All Giz Wants is our annual round-up of favorite gift ideas, including amazing attainable objects and a few far-out fantasies. We'll be popping guides catered to different interests regularly until Christmas, so keep checking back.