TOKYO (AP) - After several decades of gruesome failures, Japanese researchers have successfully transplanted a kitten's paws to a human body. The test subject, a 29 year old model for Thanko, a gadget seller, has a new lease on life.
"For years I lived with a wretched handicap," [name withheld] explained. "My hands were human-like and only a little bit cute, which is a tough thing for a model."
After fifteen years of transplant lists, fundraisers and miracle cures, she'd almost given up. Then researchers from Tokyo University of Science called and said they'd nearly perfected a new technique of removing a non-anesthetized kitten's paws with a rusty hacksaw and gluing them to the patient's wrists.
"The news was a Godsend," she said.
Given the slightest surgical mistake, a small, defenseless kitten would bleed to death quite slowly and painfully on the operating table. The human subject, however, would be completely unharmed, resting peacefully unaware of any blood or shrieking.
"Let's just say it's good that a humane society leases the space next door," said one scientist. "A really, really big humane society just filled to the brim with unloved strays."
As for the young model, she woke from surgery with a slight hand ache requiring nothing more than a prescription for a minor anti-inflammatory. And according to her official press statement, she couldn't be more pleased: