Oh MGD 64 iPhone App, Guide Me to a Healthier Lifestyle!

I don't know about you, but I used to be the case a day type. You know, pick up a 24 pack in the morning, sort my cardboard and aluminum recycling in the evening. Then, one app changed my life.

Of all companies, it was MillerCoors—producers MGD64, otherwise known as the beverage that started off as a noxious novelty brew to be sold at Spencer's that became so popular with frat houses and middle aged women alike that it was marketed as a real product—who recognized the need for me to take better care of myself.

So they launched Pedometer 64, the only iPhone app pedometer that's sponsored by a barely alcoholic, 64-calorie concoction of water, hops, liquid corn byproduct and the cloned tears of the world's first castrated man, which had been frozen in amber for millenia prior to MillerCoors winning the Sotheby's auction.

And, after waiting to turn 17—thank goodness for the law-appropriate age gate on that download, or who knows where I'd have ended up—I walked off all the weight I'd gained my junior year of high school, 64 unfulfilling kilocalories at a time.

But while I'm healthier, happier and even more smug when donning my iPhone, I've been left with a thirst for beer...and life...that simply refuses to be quenched. Yet I walk on, dammit. I walk on. [iTunes]