A friend turned drunken thief. A couple looking for some on-camera action. A digital dater racked with shame. You seem guilty, this week, readers. But our consciences are filthy too—all aboard the empathy train. It's time for healing.
Last weekend I drank like eight cans of Four Loko at a party and got hammered. I don't really remember, but I must've grabbed a couple Xbox games from the apartment that was hosting the party because I woke up with my clothes on with Two Worlds and Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust shoved down my pants. Do I return the games and risk ruining this friendship or just pretend it never happened?
This is a case for the ol' pro-and-con list:
Situation 1: You return the games.
• Clean-ish conscience
• You are rid of two lousy games
• Earn a rep for being a drunk thief
• Admit that, in your true state of being (in vino veritas, dude), you stole the most losery games it could ever be possible to steal.
• Remind your friends that they own the two most losery games this side of Oblivion.
Situation 2: You Keep Quiet
• OH WHO EVEN CARES? ARE YOU REALLY PREPARED TO ADMIT THAT YOU STOLE TWO WORLDS AND LEISURE SUIT LARRY?
Seriously, Hoss, just throw that crap down a storm drain and don't look back. You have bigger things to worry about. Namely, that you drank eight cans of Four Loko.
Do you have any idea what's in that stuff? It's like pounding an RBV and then snorting the runoff from a nuclear power plant. It's so packed with caffeine, taurine, guarana, that it's a miracle you even fell asleep to wake up and find the two worst Xbox titles in history shoved down your freaking pants. Really man, we'd be more worried about having strangled someone on the way home than jacking a couple 360 games. Have you checked local news stories for reports of a crazed man roaming around, humping a copy of Red Dead Redemption?
I don't really know how to say this so I'll just say it: my girlfriend and I wanna make a sextape. We've never done that before, and we don't want to spend too much money, but we want the final product to look okay. What kind of gear do we need?
Shy! No need to be shy. We couldn't be more thrilled with your decision. There is absolutely no way this will end up on Giganews in 90 days. No possibility at all. Very safe place, this ironclad Internet.
Now, even though NOBODY ELSE WILL EVER SEE THIS, you're going to want to make yourselves look as attractive as possible. You know, for memories and stuff—not at all because we fully expect to be streaming this off YouPorn in 58 days or anything. So yeah, attractive. You know who knows attractive? The wizards of Web video at Gawker.TV.
They say that the most important thing when shooting a low budget sex tape is lighting. Bad lighting will make even the hottest people look horrible. The masters of streaming cinema recommend a cheap $600 3 light box light kit, to diffuse the harsh lighting that creates hard shadows and makes your skin look like raw-bacon-colored plastic.
Too expensive? Shoot in your bathroom, where ample bulbs, shiny surfaces, and mirrors will provide a nice even glow. If you don't already have a camera, you can keep it relatively cheap and still get a nice 720p-is-for-porn image with a 4GB Flip UltraHD. But do NOT use that smartphone: the risk of accidentally uploading to YouTube isn't worth the convenience. Hello, mom! So, best of luck you two, and, if you'd like to run a rough cut past us, you've got the email address.
I finally broke down and tried out online dating. I put a lot of work into making sure my profile reflected who I am, but I was really nervous about privacy stuff so I used someone else's pics (really dumb I know). Now I've been talking with this guy online for a while and he wants to meet! Help, I don't know what to do!
Congratulations. You're the reason a lot of people skip that scene. But we're not your mom, and we're not going to scold you for tainting what's otherwise a pretty decent way to effortlessly flirt and maybe have sex with a stranger. Seriously, though, you've dug yourself into a deep and lonely hole here.
If you two are getting along as well as you say you are—talking about your favorite Jack Johnson albums or whatever—then you have to come clean. Who's to say you're even bad looking? Maybe he wasn't super physically attracted to the old picture anyway and was just pursuing the conversation because you two clicked. The "I've lied to you about an enormous aspect of who I am" thing might take some getting used to, yeah. But consider it your first test as a couple. If he can forgive you for that, you two are set.
Actually, who are we kidding. You have two options: pursue a relationship based on furry conventions and cosplay dates until you two are madly in love with each other's sick perversions, or fake a terrible car accident. Show up with bandages around your face, and then, in a few months, unwrap the gauze and be amazed that your face came out looking totally normal—if completely different. Wanna really sell it? Hire an actor to pose as a doctor and rent out a medical office. Invite him to come with you when you "see your face for the first time." Can you cry on command?
What's that? Too elaborate? Sociopathological? We thought you were in love!
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