How Four Loko Destroys My Body: A Liveblog For Science

Four Loko, the caffeinated alcoholic poison drink, has been in the news a lot lately. It's being banned in some states, forcing the manufacturer to strip out the caffeine. But what's it do to your body? Let's find out. Live updating

I'm going to be drinking a can of it right now, in the next hour or so, and liveblogging the results. In the course of it, I'm also going to be explaining why Four Loko is potentially dangerous, as well as how it feels to actually drink one. If you're over the age of 25, this is kind of your chance to experience it without having to hang out with college-age kids. Here we go.

1:14: I'm opening up the can. It's watermelon.
1:15: Smells like someone threw a bag of Jolly Ranchers into a Coors Lite.
1:16: The first hit stinks of booze, then has a very candy aftertaste.
1:17: I made sure to have Indian buffet for lunch, so that any potential vomit could be as disgusting as possible.
1:18: So why all the fuss? It's a pretty big-ass can, coupled with its high alcohol content (12% by volume), as well as having caffeine, sugar, guarana and taurine. The stuff that's in energy drinks. So this is an energy drink coupled with a social lubricant.
1:18: To be clear, I'm fairly sensitive to energy drinks, as evidenced by my liveblog of the Health potion. That was fun. And I'm not too huge of a drinker either.
1:21: The typos have already started.
1:22: Four Loko surprisingly doesn't taste HORRIBLE. I was expecting ass in a can. And not good, luscious ass either. I mean Steven Segal ass.
1:24: Why do I have all these tabs open?
1:24: So as of two days ago, the FDA is poised to act. And by act, I mean crack the FUCK down on Four Loko. They are going to:

send warning letters to beverage-makers, demanding that they reformulate the products or take them off the market.

The manufacturer is already taking out the energy drink part. So if you want to get in on this, go to your liquor store after work today.
1:27: For those of you who are asking how this is different from Red Bull and vodka? I don't know. It's in a can damn it.
1:28: I am having a hard time concentrating on work on this conversation. This woman was nice.
1:30: I just burped and it smelled like I ate a squirrel.
1:30: I don't feel drunk. Adam Pash told me I should drink two.
1:31: OK, back to science. You're drinking the equivalent of six beers in one giant can. Which is nice if you want to drink six beers really fast, but not good if you don't KNOW that you're drinking six beers at once.
1:32: The danger comes in when your body doesn't know how messed up it is, because of the energy drink part. Usually you pass out before you do serious damage.
1:34: Now Playing: Girl Talk - All Day
1:34: Oh and this liveblog is going on until this liveblog is done.
1:35: Lifehacker has a good post on what caffeine does to your brain.
1:36: The candy taste is slowly disappearing. Do I need to shake this can cause it's settled to the bottom or something?
1:36: Kyle and Sam and Frucci are all experts at Four Loko. That is why I'm doing this liveblog. Because I have never had a Four Loko before. And they'd just be faking it.
1:37: From Lifehacker's post: caffeine doesn't get you wired. Wha? Note: it's kinda hard to read when drinking Four Loko.
1:39: It also says it boosts your speed, but not your skill. I don't feel like I'm any faster at typing into the wrong window.
1:41: Move, bitch, get out the way.
1:43: I forgot how to spell Gawker.
1:46: Back to Lifehacker. It's going to give me a headache or something? And I'll have withdrawals. Seriously, reading is hard.
1:47: I think I've finished half the can? I can't tell. They should make this thing transparent so you can see if there's any dead animals inside.

How Four Loko Destroys My Body: A Liveblog For Science

1:47: Lifehacker also has a post on what alcohol does to your body. I think that is more applicable.
1:48: Reader questions? Ask them in the comments below.
1:49: For the comment who said I should do this, I dedicate this video. I can't find your comment.


1:51: Nice try asshole.

How Four Loko Destroys My Body: A Liveblog For Science

1:51: Here's a great writeup from the NYT talking about Four Loko, here. It's really cheap.
1:53: There's something wrong with my tongue.
1:54: Your face is a pit! Take that.
1:55: Damn I just got a lot of Twitter followers.
1:56: I just took my shirt off.
1:57: OK so I'm trying to read this lifehacker post for you jerks. It says something about genetics and Asians. And inhibiting brain cells.
1:59: Oh and it inhibits boners.
1:59: On that note, I think I might have broken my penis this weekend.
2:00: Mr. Damage: No double rainbows, but I think i see a trash bag rolling across the lawn on a mission to hell.
2:01: dontmeanathing: Indian food is still inside me.
2:02: The taste. Man, the taste. I can still taste it in my mouth even when I'm not drinking it.
2:03: Have you ever measured your penis with your phone before?
2:04: Be careful as you get to the bottom of the can. It tends to splash up in your face when you drink.
2:06: Hi
2:06: My heart feels like its lease is up and is trying to find a new residence.
2:10: Sorry I'm not dead, I'm just working on an image.
2:10: Hi Kyle.

How Four Loko Destroys My Body: A Liveblog For Science

2:12: laser712: What's weird is that your wife isn't Asian.
2:13: Do you know the kind of people I work with? They're pressuring me to drink another one after I finish this one.
2:14: AT&T just asked me to add 1000 free rollover minutes to my account. Dont' they know I already have about 4000 rollover minutes I will never use?
2:16: Here's hte statement that Four Loko will remove Caffeine and shit from their drinks. Here.
2:17: I can't taste air.
2:19: OCEntertainment: Hey baby. How YOU doin?
2:20: You know, Lady Gaga might be ugly, but she's ugly in a way that she knows she's ugly but still goes about being ugly. I respect that.
2:21: Now Ke$ha...
2:24: They were bothering me about a review.
2:26: Oh god this thing tastes awful now.
2:27: It's getting hot in here so I'm taking my pants off.
2:28: Decad3nce: Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.
2:29: Steven Callas: You're fired.
2:29: You know what this drink tastes like? Have you ever put jeans in your mouth?
2:31: Massachusssettss just banned Four Loko. It's been banned in Washington, Michigan, Utah and Oklahoma.
2:35: My muscles feel weird.
2:37: Oh man I have to type something again?
2:41: Finishing up this can now. I don't think I can think of something that tastes worse than this. Maybe a dog vomiting directly into my mouth.
2:43: Oh god I bet this is what waterboarding is like.
2:44: While I have you, I was on Ask a Ninja last week.

2:47: OK I'm finishing the rest of this sewer water.
2:49: Moral of the story: Don't drink Four Loko.
2:50: Breathing is fun.
2:51: Kevlar Menace: Walking or wanking?
2:54: Yes, so, the conclusion is. This definitely makes you feel not as drunk as you would if you just drank 6 beers. Or 4 beers. Whatever the equivalent is. So if you want to party but not feel drunk, well, Four Loko is it.
3:00: Thanks for reading folks. And here's a special message for Kyle VanDownByTheRiver:

3:02: Oh and if you're looking for a verdict. Try it once.