The Worst Royal Wedding Merchandise

Every marketing manager and his dog has dreamt up a little royal wedding cash-cow in time for the nuptials tomorrow. But which gift should you buy—either to send to the newlyweds, or to sheath in plastic wrap and bury under your bed for the grandchildren, who'll only wrinkle their noses and toss it in the bin 60 years down the track?

None of these, that much is for sure. Click through the gallery for the full eyesore treatment.

The Worst Royal Wedding Merchandise

I'd say there's more chance of Kate Middleton doing a runner on the big day, than using Lovehoney's "something blue" vibrator ring. It may cost only £7 ($11) but I'm willing to guess she's more of a solid gold-type bride. [Lovehoney]

The Worst Royal Wedding Merchandise

Microsoft's so thrilled with the impending nuptials, that they're flogging posters comprised of dozens of little mini Kate 'n Wills paparazzi shots. You can zoom in on the site, or pay £10.99 ($18) for your own toilet wall-hanging. [MSN royal mosaic]

The Worst Royal Wedding Merchandise

No, one can't buy these royal Pez dispensers—not that one would've liked to, when one already owns a perfectly fine corgi dispenser. They sold for £8,200 ($13,645) at auction on eBay, which is about £8,198 more than I paid for my perfectly-good Mario dispenser. Itsa Pez time! [eBay via E Online]

The Worst Royal Wedding Merchandise

Protect your crown jewels so you can give your Kate a royal wave without the possibility of being usurped by your offspring. Just £8 ($13) for a pack of three, or £20 ($33) for nine. [Crown Jewels condoms]

The Worst Royal Wedding Merchandise

No, this isn't Photoshopped. At least, we didn't Photoshop it. I doubt I could ever possibly dream of something more horrific than a GE fridge plastered in the royal mugs. [GE]

The Worst Royal Wedding Merchandise

"This delightful bone china mug depicts the happy couple in a cute cartoonish way." Try garish and ghoulish. £11 $18) to ye of no eyes. [Maiden]

The Worst Royal Wedding Merchandise

You've probably seen this Kate Middleton lookalike before. Heck, you may've even tried bidding for it on eBay. But can you name which flavor it is? I think I can smell the whiff of desperation from here. [The Telegraph]

The Worst Royal Wedding Merchandise

If we all wish upon the first star we see tonight, do you think we could make Kate wear these New Balance sneakers under her dress tomorrow? If anything, they'll get her down that aisle faster, which means everyone can start drinking earlier. Everyone's a winner! [New Balance]

The Worst Royal Wedding Merchandise

This is more like it! Royal wedding sick bags—for the royal throne up if you get well and truly sick on their big day. Just £3 ($5). [Lydia Leith]