Triple Decker Oreo Signals Man's Progress Toward Superhuman Destiny

What would it take to make the Oreo—perhaps the most architecturally perfect dessert, ever—look like garbage? Another layer of cookie. The Triple Double Oreo, out this summer, is the cookie version of the 2001: A Space Odyssey monolith.

Oh, but you poor fool, it's far more than just another layer of chocolate cookie. Is your mortal mind prepared for this? We'll see. In addition to another stratum of crumble, the Triple Double contains both vanilla and chocolate cream. Three cookies. Two fillings. The same wonderful circular form as before. Are you worthy? Am I? Is anyone. Probably not, no.

What happens when you open the bag? Do you hear the harps of angels? The cackling of Satan? The roaring chorus of O Fortuna?

And what about when you—I struggle to even type this—eat one of these cookie ICBMs? Will you hear your arteries slowly bulge, glistening, one by one, like walrus heads rising in the arctic twilight? Will you have an orgasm and lose consciousness? Will you create a split in the space-time continuum? Will you dunk it in milk? If so—for how long?

I wait for our species to answer these questions together, as one civilization, united. Today is May 13th. Our hours to prepare for the arrival of this creme harbinger are few. I suggest you begin to brace yourself now. [via Consumerist]