If there's anything I've found to be painfully clear about social media, it's that having friends is exhausting. Privately, I don't care if it's your birthday. I secretly hate you. But society now forces me to acknowledge your virtual existence.
So, if you're anything like me—admit it—you feel like a willful prisoner of the accepted technologies of the day. It's not just about keeping track of the people you don't truly care about. That's one thing. It's that there are "close friends" in your life that you don't give two shits about, but still have to RSVP to their asinine Facebook events or @reply them on Twitter. Close only because you share a few too many drunken pictures together.
But, for one reason or another, you can't break the friendship. Breaking up is hard to do, be it for complicated group associations or having to see them everyday. So what can you do? Lie. And lie well.
Be as Passive Aggressive as Possible
Let's face it. If you were one of those "I say what I mean when I mean it" types, you wouldn't have this problem. That kind of honesty sucks. Hell, the only reason I write this now is because the people in my life that this applies to don't read Gizmodo—if you do, you're safe. You can trust me. So, the only feasible way to go about keeping friends off your back is by keeping them at a distance while making it seem like you care.
That means you can't go off grid. You can't just turn off your accounts, because A) The friends you actually care about are still there, and B) Having more friends/followers is cool. Don't be stupid and risk losing your friend count. And for all you know, your actual friends hate you and are playing this exact game with you. You're stuck.
Know What You Use
I barely use my Tumblr these days. I don't worry too much about what's happening on LinkedIn, though I'll be sure to change some of my settings ASAP. Really, my social networks of choice are Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Foursquare, and Google+. In that order. So my behavior in these spaces naturally informs how and when I lie. You need to know what you habitually use and how they connect before you can be an effective liar. Otherwise, you'll get caught or stuck going to a party or baby shower you don't want to be seen at.