7 Tools to Help Make President Obama's Job EasierS

Seems like everyone is up President Obama's ass for something these days. Too much war. Not enough war. Too much spending. Not enough spending. This guy can't win. His rapidly graying hair is proof of that.

But if El Presidente had a few tools at his disposal, his job might be a lot easier. Here are seven that could help him get the job done faster, better, and with a little less stress.

7 Tools to Help Make President Obama's Job Easier

Fifty-One Trio E-Cigarette

Obama catches plenty of flak from the public for his cigarette habit. Maybe instead, he should just go with an eCigarette, which gets that foul, carcinogenic tobacco out of the way and delivers a quasi-satisfying, metered hit of nicotine instead. $130

7 Tools to Help Make President Obama's Job Easier

Rubber Ball Gag

Half the time, Obama's biggest problem has nothing to do with himself. It's Joe Biden and his chronic inability act in a dignified manner. Keep Biden permanently gagged and the job becomes instantly easier. Sure, it may send out some weird S&M vibes, but it's better than the media overhearing Biden discussing weird S&M vibes with Silvio Berlusconi. $33

7 Tools to Help Make President Obama's Job Easier

Presto GranPappy Deep Fryer

America loves photos of presidential candidates eating giant corn dogs. If Obama kept a deep fryer in his arsenal at all times, he could generate a blast of photo op positivity at will. Take THAT, Republicans. $35

7 Tools to Help Make President Obama's Job Easier

Rosetta Stone: Mandarin

America is quickly losing economic ground to China, which could potentially become the world's top economy by 2020. Obama should consult the Rosetta Stone to learn the soon-to-be new language of money. That way, when it's time to beg for a loan, he can do so sans translator. (In actuality, we're Muzzy enthusiasts, but that might do too much damage to the President's gravitas. It's a serious job!) $500

7 Tools to Help Make President Obama's Job Easier

American Express Centurion Card

Often referred to as the mythical American Express Black card, the Centurion card has no set spending limit. Now that the Republicans are giving Barry all sorts of grief about the debt ceiling, he can just offload any expenses onto this bad boy and worry about it later. Oh wait, America's downgraded credit rating might make this plan more difficult than expected. AAA Credit Rating

7 Tools to Help Make President Obama's Job Easier

Bitcoin Trading

In the midst of a declining global economy, we found out that the U.S. Government has less cash than Apple. That's embarrassing. What if Obama dumped the Treasury's entire cash reserves into Mt.Gox, the Bitcoin trading site? Sure, Bitcoin may be on the decline, but there's always the offhand chance that Bitcoin will shoot back up to its peak trading price in the $30 range and return America to its past economic glory, right? 73.8 Billion

7 Tools to Help Make President Obama's Job Easier

Staples Easy Button

Worst case scenario. Last resort. Hail mary. Shot in the dark. Why the fuck not. Just hit the Easy Button and be done with it. $6