7 Tools to Stay Young Forever (...in Theory)S

Getting old is terrifying. What if we could stay 21-years-old forever? There are plenty contraptions and substances out there which can do just that. Here are seven that will help you maintain your youth. [At least, that's the pitch.]

7 Tools to Stay Young Forever (...in Theory)

Baby Quasar

Is your face not as fresh as it once was? Those wrinkles making you feel old? You want the Baby Quasar, which harnesses the POWER of LED and delivers a blast of light-thermo therapy to your face, eliminating those unsightly wrinkles. [Translation: Congratulations, we just duped you into shining a fucking flashlight on your face.] $800

7 Tools to Stay Young Forever (...in Theory)

Hairmax Laser Comb

Someday a pill will be able to regrow all your hair. Until then, give your thinning mane the dose of pew-pew it needs to regenerate almost overnight. The magic contained within Hairmax's 650-675nm wavelength of light will have you looking—and feeling—like a new person. [Translation: We're taking advantage of your complete and utter misunderstanding of genetics and it feels great!] $545

7 Tools to Stay Young Forever (...in Theory)S

Phiten Titanium Necklace

We all run low on energy sometimes. And ugh, muscle pain. But if you slap a Phiten necklace around your neck, its AQUA METALS will magically cure all that ails you. It works! Just look at all the baseball players wearing these things. [Translation: Never has the dumb jock cliche rung so true, or profitably.] $47

Trinfinity8

Fractals. Crystal transmitter rods. Bio-energetic rejuvenation formulas. Quantum interfaces. Binary subsistence coding. Fractal amplification resonation (referred to as ONENESS by Holy men). Sacred geometry infusion. Solfeggio sound tones. This, my friends, is the secret to Trinfinity8 and its ability to rejuvenate your body. [Translation: We thought of this shit when we were higher than astronauts and mostly created it as a joke. Then you people started taking it seriously. Shame.] $8000

7 Tools to Stay Young Forever (...in Theory)

Rakuten Eye Power

BLAST THIS WACKY JAPANESE CONTRAPTION IN YOUR EYE FOR 10 MINUTES A DAY AND IT WILL MAGICALLY CURE YOUR NEARSIGHTEDNESS!!! WACKY!!! [Translation: We dare you to criticize our product. If you do, we'll just call you a culturally hegemonist Westerner.] $800

7 Tools to Stay Young Forever (...in Theory)

DMAE

Pop a DMAE pill and transform yourself into a mental giant. The latest scientific research suggests that DMAE is methylated into choline, which can enhance your brain's capabilities. Who does't want that? [Translation: It's ironic that we're hawking fish oil for the part of the body needed to cut through this spiel, isn't it?] $4

7 Tools to Stay Young Forever (...in Theory)

CVAC Pod

Working out sucks, right? What if you could workout without even MOVING?! Your prayers have been answered friends. Just sit in the CVAC pod for awhile and let it add blood cells and purge lactic acid as you laze your way to better fitness. [Translation: We have the best tennis player in the world stomping his way through the U.S. Open and convinced this thing is the reason why. We're bulletproof.] $75,000

Lead image via Shutterstock/Mandy Godbehear