The Things You Need to Be a Perfect Pageant Princess

The Miss Universe Pageant concludes tonight, in all of its fake-tanned, bleach-blonde, moronic ranting glory. We wouldn't have it any other way! That's why we offer up all the tools to become an awkward Miss Universe winner.

Zugara Fashionista Virtual Dressing Room

Stand in front of your webcam, and your computer will superimpose any item of clothing you're thinking about purchasing from online stores using this technology. Free.

Ionic White Teeth Whitening Kit

Protip: Bleach and lightblast your teeth to a point so white that your smile will be forever burned into the back of the judges' retinas. That's one way to leave a lasting impression. $25

The Things You Need to Be a Perfect Pageant Princess

Sony Bloggie 3D Camera

If you're going to follow in the footsteps of some of the great pageant winners from the past, you'll need to generate a sex scandal at some point. Why not be the first to do it in three dimensions with Sony's Bloggie 3D camera?$220

The Things You Need to Be a Perfect Pageant Princess

Japanese Smile Trainer
If you don't have a creepy alien smile, you have no shot at becoming the world's next beauty contest winner. This Japanese doodad will literally force your mouth muscles to conform to its demands. Problem solved. $85

The Things You Need to Be a Perfect Pageant Princess

Darwin's Book on Evolution
48 out of this year's 50 Miss America contest winners don't believe in evolution, apparently. And that's fine (though I don't share their view). However, the two that did believe in evolution got a whole lot of early attention for themselves in the press for breaking away from the pack (and one of em won). Do your self a favor and pick up Charles Darwin's book on the subject. Free.

Top image via AP