Whaddya mean Oktoberfest is already over? How did I miss that? The end of September, really? Well shoot, I'm just gonna have to have a Bavarian Hoe Down of my very own. And these seven tools will help me do it.

Das Boot

Cinderella can have her slipper—that holds what three, four ounces of booze? Psh, I'm a boot man, myself, and my favored glass footwear comes in a size four. That's four as in liters—more than a gallon of beer—at a time. $50

Marvel Triple Faucet Kegerator

What, you want me to choose just one beer to have one draught? The 2010 Oktoberfest had 33 different brewers participate, and those were just the ones operating in Munich. I can work through at least do an eleventh of that. $1600

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Cuisinart Griddler Grill Centro

Beer. Without brats. Absolutely not. If I can't grill my meaty-cased delights, I'm cooking them up indoors with a 1700 watt stainless-steel 10-piece hot dog roller set$185

iBeer Pro


Need help telling your Käfer Wiesn Schänke from your Nürnberger Bratwurst Glöckl? Not sure if a Schützen-Festhalle pairs well with Schweinshaxe? iBeer Pro's 2,700 beer database will have you ordering like a native Berliner. Just make sure to remember that ordering three beers involves the thumb. $3

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The World's Greatest Polka Package

It's polka. It's happening. Make your peace with it. $9

BACtrack Select S80 Breathalyzer Professional Edition

Look, you can either breathalyze yourself before going home to make sure you're safely under the limit, or you can have the nice officer at the checkpoint do it for you and take your chances. $250

Yamaha YBB-641 Professional Rotary Tuba

Oktoberfest is just another beer garden without the OOMPah, OOMPah, OOMPah, of a quality tuba. The YBB-641 may be made by the Japanese, but it's built in the German tradition and modeled after the early Meinl Weston models. $12,206

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