Six Tools to Survive the Rapture (Again)S

Okay, so we sort of blew it back in May. False alarm! All of you non-believers with your funny jokes might have missed the part where THE REAL RAPTURE IS TODAY AND YOU ARE NOT PREPARED. But don't worry (unless your worry is for your eternal soul)—Giz can get you through this.

Six Tools to Survive the Rapture (Again)

A DIY Booze Setup

There is no way in hell that I'm going through the entire apocalypse without any booze, and you shouldn't either. I know, I know, no one likes that jerk who has the microbrew in his basement and insists you come over to drink his brews. But now's not the time for insecure indignation! Either raid the home of someone who makes their own beer (since they're great, industrious people and will probably be raptured), or make making booze priority number one in your looting spree. $40-$150 if currency is still in effect

Six Tools to Survive the Rapture (Again)

A Zombie-Flaying Katana

Look, we don't really know what's going to happen going forward. There might be fire and brimstone. There might be orgies in the street. Could be there'll be zombies. And if there are zombies, you'll want a katana. That's just common knowledge. But where to get one, and which to pick? Here's an expert opinion from a recent Amazon review:

Carla C. Staeger: If you like ruroni kenshin i suggest buying this and if you just like katanas in general and would like a nice cheap well crafted one for display or for just the hell of swingin it around this is a great one to get =)

Good enough for me, Carla! $21

A Gift From the Sultan of Slingshot

The katana is your best bet for dicing your way out of whatever hell the chosen leave behind them, but once you're holed up in your convenience store fort you're going to want a weapon with some range. Guns are no good, because bullets are a limited resource and you don't know how to work the safety. Ditto bows and arrows. The answer? Slingshots. (The answer is almost always slingshots.) And thankfully, our good friend Joerg Sprave, of YouTube's Slingshot Channel, recently demonstrated how to put together our very own slingshot crossbow.

$ Parts and Labor

Six Tools to Survive the Rapture (Again)

A Motherfrakking Batmobile

With world civilization totally collapsed, you're going to need some means of getting around. And why not the goddamn Batmobile? Look, I mean, obviously Batman's going to be raptured. He's the Batman. But you don't even need to track down the real one. There are, like, dozens of the things out there. Surely at least a few of the glorious bastards who own those is going to ascend to heaven by nightfall. Make their gain your gain.

$ Free/Stolen

Six Tools to Survive the Rapture (Again)

Salvation Within

The world will soon be populated by the god-fearing wandering tribes of the wasteworld left behind (think Judge Dredd minus the judicial system). When they find and take you—and they will find you and take you—you'll need to have the tools at your disposal to fit in, but still plot your escape. For that, you should be prepared with a hollowed out scripture book of whatever religion seems to be dominant in your particular region. I live in New York, so I've been stocking up on issues of Penthouse Forum for months.

$ Varies by Text

Six Tools to Survive the Rapture (Again)

A Map Highlighting the Nearest Toilet Paper and Bathing Product Factories

I'm a pretty simple guy. I'll be pretty content in a semi-apocalyptic, medium-topian future. But assuming the loss of all the proper god-abiding folk leads to the downfall of society, there's really only one non-replenishable resource I'm worried about: toilet paper. And maybe stuff to wash with. Seriously, where's the fun in crazy irresponsible apocalpyse sex if you and everyone you know smells like poop? $21