You've spent all your money on Christmas presents, and you're tired of spending time in the kitchen, but you're throwing a New Year's party and you need strong, delicious punch in high quantity to ensure everyone gets their swerve on. What to do? Skipper. Good God, Skipper.
Saturday afternoon, you've made it through the long week, and it's time for Happy Hour, Gizmodo's weekly booze column. A cocktail shaker full of innovation, science, and alcohol. Happy New Year.
I hesitate to tell you this—it's kind of like giving away nuclear secrets. Skipper was the go-to party drink in my wilder days. It's a punch that's cheap, tastes good, and is extremely efficient. It is deceptively strong. Perhaps you encountered it at some college party you barely remember. It is known by other names, including—and I'm really sorry—Pink Panty Peeler. Sorry. Anyway, to us, it was always Skipper.
A Word of Caution:
You must respect the Skipper. Don't be fooled by its cutesy name, pink hue, or sweet flavor. People don't generally realize how strong it is until it's too late. You have to put a sign by it warning people how strong it is. If you don't, you're a bad person. Nobody should drive after consuming Skipper. All that said, Skipper is awesome. If you take it easy and go slow, you'll be in for a fun night.
When I tell you what goes into it, you will say, "That's disgusting! There's no possible way that can be good!" Everybody has that reaction. Reserve judgement.
• 12-pack of Natty Ice (Natural Ice Beer)
• 1/2 a handle of Vodka (a handle is 1.75 liters)
• 2 containers frozen pink lemonade concentrate
Some people will tell you to use light beer or PBR. They are wrong. If you can, use Natty Ice. It packs in twice the booze with essentially the same flavor. As far as vodka goes, it really doesn't matter what kind you use. Some people accidentally get pink grapefruit juice concentrate. Big mistake. Pink lemonade. The frozen kind. If someone tells you to use the powdered kind, slap them. Frozen. Accept no substitutes.
Get a giant punch bowl. Or get a large dish tub from a dollar store. Or a clean garbage can. It doesn't really matter. Carefully pour in the beer along the side to prevent a giant foamy head. Pour in the half handle of vodka, and then gently stir in the frozen pink lemonade concentrate until it's entirely disolved. That's it. You're done. Don't add ice to the bowl, because if it gets watered down it will be nasty. Put ice in your cup and pour the Skipper in over it. You'll need a ladle. The end.
It actually tastes pretty damn good. This still surprises me, but it's true. It's one of the reasons it destroys people—it goes down really easy. Go slowly, because it can all too easily turn into a "Oh God, I wish I didn't have a head" type of hangover. I'd also avoid drinking other spirits.
Enjoy yourselves and don't abuse this magic spell you now possess. Use it only for good, and never for evil. Don't drive, be careful, have an amazing New Year, and check back next Friday afternoon for more Happy Hour.