Romney Is an iPhone: A Gadget Lover's Guide to GOP Candidates

It's president pickin' time! For you Republicans, that means you've got some important wheat to separate from some important chaff: which candidate will get your vote? No easy matter! So we've boiled it down into terms we can all understand.

With today's Iowa caucus and next week's New Hampshire slugfest, the already catty GOP nomination game is only going to get more bitter and complicated. They've all got clashing views that flop back and forth, as politicians' positions tend to. But figuring out where each man (and that woman) stands on the issues is so time consuming—and besides, most of them won't even win! So save yourself some effort and just go with your inner gadget fanboy.

Newt Gingrich — Android Ice Cream Sandwich

Robotic. Soft-spoken. Extremely difficult to figure out. There's nothing flashy about Newt—he's a pragmatic guy who wants to empower himself. He purports to have straightened himself out as an ideal of openness despite a confused history.

Mitt Romney — iPhone

Romney has more money than a third world country and is 70% eye candy.

Jon Huntsman — Windows Phone

In spite of his competition, there are some surprisingly good ideas lurking behind the gregarious dude's handsome face. If only anyone knew who he was.

Rick Perry — One of Those Free Flip Phones Your Carrier Gives You When You Drop Your Current Phone Down a Storm Drain

Hay what the heck how do I even turn this thing on I'm confused wait how do I type with it guys can anyone here me ah whatever I'll have a beer

Michelle Bachmann — BlackBerry PlayBook

Hey, this thing is attractive! Wait, where is the email client? How do I BBM? Why does this not make sense? How could this thing possibly be sold to the public? I'm going insane.

Ron Paul — A Tablet Running a Custom Homebrew Linux ROM

CAN'T TRUST MOTOROLA, GONNA ROOT THIS THING AS IS MY CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT.

Rick Santorum — Siri

Gets its information from an undisclosed, nebulous source. Won't help you find an abortion clinic.

Bonus Incumbent Selection! Barack Obama — 3DTV

Wait, I thought this was going to be categorically awesome and change everything?

Original photo: Scott Olson/Getty