You either have a date for Valentine's Day or you don't. Whatever. Doesn't really matter, because who's going to take better care of you than you? If you're going home alone tonight, give yourself company with a Fleshlight for every situation. NSFW, pretty obviously.
You're Taking Things Slow But Valentine's Day Went Well: Fleshlight Ice (Mouth)
Dinner was great! She loved those friendly flowers with a hint of red you gave her. There was a little awkward moment when your hands grazed each other as you reached for the bread but that's normal right? Plus, when you took her home, she told you she had a great time and to call her this weekend. Even if it the night didn't end in her arms, that's still a win in my book. You could really like this girl! You should reward yourself with a Fleshlight Ice (Mouth Edition). You don't want it all, you just want it wet.
You Need Quick Relief Right Now Because Your Date Went Horribly Wrong: Sex in a Can
You asked her what she wanted, didn't you?! You had the decency to give her options. IHOP or Waffle House. Pancakes or Waffles. Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity or All Star Combos. Dessert with a coupon or breakfast as dessert, whatever. She wanted flowers? You got her flowers from your mom's backyard! She wanted chocolate? Who thinks Kit Kats aren't delicious? She doesn't know what she's missing. And now you're sad. And alone. And need to calm down asap. Pop open a tall boy in one hand, a Sex in a Can in the other and start multitasking.
You're Going Beyond Your Wildest Dreams Because Your Valentine Was Inspired By Hallmark's Holiday: We Vibe II
*Look in the mirror. Deep breath. Woooo* Is this real life? You used to believe Valentine's Day was a ploy created by florists and card companies to boost their sales. But things went amazingly well at dinner and you're starting to think you won't end up forever alone after all. Just follow the Valentine's Day plan and your partner will be a little freakier than usual. You're so vibing together with the We Vibe II.
You're a Little Sad You Didn't Have a Valentine: Jenna Haze Fleshlight
You tried to snag a Valentine's Date from the Internet. You posted your picture everywhere. Yet you still can't seem to find a date. It's not that you're a big sap and dying for a relationship, it's just that Valentine's Day seems so happy when you're with somebody. Goddammit. Why couldn't you be more free-wheeling and less worrisome? Why do you care so much? You need comfort, you need a real person's fake vagina, you need Jenna Haze.
You're Freaking Ecstatic You Didn't Have a Valentine: Fleshlight Motion
Black Tuesday Bro. Single parties! Impressionable people waiting to make wrong decisions! Let's go to the gym before we go out! LET'S TALK IN ALL CAPS. WOO. VDAY IS FOR SUCKAZ. Let's stop. Okay, you probably think Valentine's Day is the biggest joke in the world and claim that your future partner won't expect all those things from you on a manufactured day because you will treat them right every day (in reality: you'll never buy flowers ever). You're so cool. You're so damn cool you probably have sex furniture already. Have at it, then.
You Have No Idea Today Is Valentine's Day: Alien Fleshlight
Keep on, keeping on young fella. The world just doesn't get you yet.