Did you hear about Robert Mills today? He's a sad, overly-bearded man who capitalizes with desperation and demands free food from the internet. Viral meme uranium ejaculator BuzzFeed seized upon poor "Robster," kicking off a social media campaign for the guy. Turns out, he's a criminal!
Robert Mills, who claimed he is "too poor" to afford a "$100" dinner at "Red Lobster" on his "birthday" has probably found himself in this state of sad crustacean destitution because he's a multiple-offense drug felon. By the look of that beard, meth, but his Facebook profile picture is too small for forensic analysis.
But it wasn't too small for Red Lobster's PR team, who in a nice internet high five with BuzzFeed, have grabbed this snot-bubble of nothingness and granted Robster his wildest underwater dreams:
We hear you loud and clear, "Robster" supporters. We're excited to say Robert will be enjoying a delicious birthday meal on us. ‘Like' this post to wish him a Happy Birthday!
It's nice to know that even after 56 years, Rob will be able to force one more toxic substance into his system—all thanks to the most asinine social media thing since #BeBold. Or is it #McDStories? Or maybe all of them are awful? Sure. The internet: infinite seawater chasm of free food and ad whoredom.
Red Lobster PR hasn't replied to our inquiries. Too busy peeling shrimp for The Unabomber? [BuzzFeed]