The Avengers will finally hit theaters soon. We've been brushing up on our back issues and realized for the millionth time that life would be much more fun with super powers. THE WORLD IS SO UNFAIR. We're here to help.
The Avengers are a talented bunch—that's why S.H.I.E.L.D. recruited them in the first place. You will never be like them and not just because they're all skilled battle tacticians with crazy fighting skills. It's impossible. Their superhuman talents are supplemented by genetic experiments, impossible materials science, and equipment that makes DARPA drool. Still, there's gear out there that will give you some Avengers-like ability. Use this information wisely: It's a responsibility not a gift.
Captain America's shield is made of vibranium, which like adamantium and unobtainium doesn't actually exist. But if you're going to barge into live fire, this shield will keep you protected. Unlike other ballistic shields, this one's designed for the lone soldier. Unfortunately, these are only sold to law-enforcement, so you'll need to call your uncle the cop if you want one. $Undisclosed
Tony Stark is still human, but just barely. He's spent the last 40+ years tinkering with his badass armor and his own DNA to the point where he's basically a cyborg. Sometimes it's almost like the armor wears him. In the absence of Stark's technology, Berocca's life-enhancing supplements are packed with enough caffeine and vitamins to supercharge your energy level. The FDA hasn't verified any of these claims, but trust me, this stuff will make you'll feel super human even if you're not. $8
No matter how angry both Hulk movies made you, you didn't grow into a massive green monster because of it. You lack the know-how to turn yourself into a genetic colossus that feels no pain. That's a bummer because jumping through walls would be awesome. Still, this Kevlar groin protection, which is used to deflect bomb explosions from solider's balls, will keep your most important assets out of harms way. $86
The Black Widow can shoot 30,000-volt charges out of her wrists. With a Taser, you too can shock the enemy. Now if only we could get a suit that let us climb walls like her. $1000
If you were a celestial being, you could wield a weapon like Thor's hammer. Since you're not, you'll have to settle for the destructive potential of this 12-pound, 32-inch tactical sledgehammer. $70
In the comics, Hawkeye uses many different types of bows over the years, but according to certain archery nerds, he's definitely wielding one of these Hoyt competition bows in the upcoming movie. Hawkeye is such a good shot, that it doesn't really matter what bow he uses, but, damn, this thing looks scary. That'll be important for you because since you're not an expert archer, your only resource is intimidation.