We're not due for our biennial Deluxe Comfort Girlfriend Body Pillow update for another 14 months, but rapidly evolving events in the girlfriend body pillow world have forced our hand. Things are different now. Here is what we know.
A Pricier Pillow
The original Deluxe Comfort Girlfriend Body Pillow, despite continuing to defy all decency and human physiology, has more than tripled in price within the last 10 months. A shocking increase, given that it was only $10 two and a half years ago.
While the Deluxe Comfort Girlfriend Body Pillow now retails at a perversely arbitrary $39.15, you can, as always, pick one up today from Sears (!) for an equally arbitrary $27.55, possibly as part of the Sears Labor Day blowout, or possibly because the sales price is determined by flicking fruit flies at a dusty TI-82 graphing calculator and seeing where they land.
It's not clear what prompted the escalation in Deluxe Comfort Girlfriend Body Pillow pricing. We are certain, though, that it is still an incomprehensibly sad place to rest your head. And we're still not sure why it's wearing a dishwashing glove.
While the Boyfriend Body Pillow has been around for several years, it has only recently (e.g. sometime since last October, I don't know, I don't have that page bookmarked, I'm not a monster) joined the Deluxe Comfort Girlfriend Body Pillow at Sears. It costs $34.95, which is either less or more expensive than its female compatriot, depending on how long that sale lasts. It comes in four colors:
They are all dressed like bros debating whether it's worth walking down to the tailgate or if they should just slam some beers at home.
You'll notice also that each has a pocket, in case you want your felt quarter-man to double as coin storage or possibly give him a pocket square, and no kitchen glove, which makes it feel significantly less like he is going to try to chop you up and dispose of your remains in a wood chipper.
And This Thing, I Don't Even
For some of you lonelyhearts, the idea of putting your face on fake breasts is totally appealing, but having to deal with the torso, the arm, the hand, etc. just feels too much like commitment, you know? Surprise! You're a sociopath. Here is the Deluxe Comfort Girlfriend - Breast Pillow, another thing you can buy, at Sears, today:
The product description probably explains it better than I could:
Breast Friend Pillow Black - The Breast Friend Pillow promises a comfortable sleep for bachelors or boyfriends who are missing their girlfriends. Lay your head on your girlfriend's chest . Soft plush pillow comes complete with pink or black shirt . Great for bachelor parties or actually quite functional for reading in bed. Great gag gift!
Actually quite functional. Great gag gift. "Missing" their "girlfriends." This is a thing that exists in the same world that you and I occupy. It retails for $32.95, which, yes, means that just the breasts are valued more highly than the breasts and body and arm during the Sears Labor Day Blowout.
This has been your
biennial necessitated-by-events-outside-of-our-control Deluxe Comfort Girlfriend Body Pillow Update.