How the heck is it October 31st already? It doesn't really matter why you don't have a costume. Maybe Hurricane Sandy got in the way, or maybe you're just a lazy waste of humanity in sunny California. The point is that you've got to put something together and fast. So get ready to lower your standards and put the stuff you've got lying around the house to work. Here's our second annual guide to getting all costumed up with zero preparation.
Episode VII Merchandise Mockup
It's anyone's best guess what Disney has planned for the next Star Wars movie, but that hasn't stopped the Internet from speculating about what a Mickey meets Darth Vader mashup might look like. Now it's your turn. Thanks to the nearly endless merchandising of both Disney characters and Star Wars films, there's a 99.9-percent chance you own at least one novelty item from each empire. Simply match an article from column A to an article from column B. Maybe it's Mickey ears and a lightsaber. Maybe it's a Cinderella Tierra™ and a Wookie hoodie. It doesn't matter. Instant meme.
The Forsaken Executive's Mad Science
It's a blessing to all things tasteful that Scott Forstall was just ousted from Apple, but his tacky design choices can now become the basis for your costume. Just wear something-anything-hideous from your closet. The more beleaguered the fashion and the more skeuomorphic the design, the better. When somebody asks, just say you're an core iOS app that failed to meet Tim Cook's standards. That jerk. You'll get that Tim Cook for burying your genius.
The Unmasked Troll
ViolentAcrez and ComfortablySmug got the unmasking they deserved after anonymously trolling the Internet. Now you can repeat this unmasking over and over and over. Just use a bandana or a t-shirt to cover a part of your face on which you've scrawled the word "asshole" in magic marker. When people ask what you are, rip off the mask. So. Satisfying.
Night of the Living Useless Gadget
Tonight, from the depths of your junk drawer, an ancient menace will emerge: Your Blackberry from 2007. Find all the terrible old gadgets that haunt your memories and attempt to revive them by using duct tape to attach them to your body in weird places. Oh what that transitional smartphone doesn't make calls anymore? Was it ever even good at that? Oh you mean that novelty combination lighter/bottle opener isn't any good at starting fires or opening bottles? Impossible! You'll be forced to borrow stuff from others all night long. Watch as they run for the hills.
Bonus points for calling your carrier and activating your ancient phone. Double bonus points for Sharper Image crap.
Instant Paul Ryan
Politics is the art of simple messages. That's what Paul Ryan's red hat was supposed to be in the infamous photo shoot from last year. Unfortunately, the message was lost in translation. Instead of, "Republican and unassuming," it reads "idiot man-boy." Either way, it's Paul Ryan's hat now. And when you put on a little red hat, you too magically assume Ryan's buffoonish qualities.
The IRL Deal With It GIF
You're screwed. Just grab your Ray-Bans, and go out with your kids or to a party with friends as planned. Tell people you didn't get dressed up this year. When they start to snivel about the spirit of Halloween, cut them off with a glare and flip down your shades. Deal with it.