Mountain Dew KickStart: You're Supposed to Drink This for Breakfast

Forget coffee. Forget juice. Forget milk, damnit. Mountain Dew wants you wash down your Wheaties with an energy drink. Nope. Nope. Nope. We're not going to do that.

What Is It?

An energy drink you imbibe before noon with 5 percent juice, vitamins A and B, 180mg of sodium, 95mg of caffeine, and absolutely zero real nutritional value. It comes in Energizing Orange Citrus and Energizing Fruit Punch With Just The Right Amount Of Kick.

Who's It For?

People who don't want to drink coffee or tea, wonder what pairs well with a 7-11 Maple Pancake Sausage Roller, want to kick and punch their way into the office. And sell weed on the side.

Design

A 6.25-inch tall orange and green/red and green aluminum can filled with poison. It came to us already chilled in a thick plexiglass case because it is radioactive.

Using It

Orange tastes like Diet Sunkist and Fruit Punch has notes of Mountain Dew Code Red. It makes you very awake but not so awake that you're jittery or need to smoke a cigarette and it leaves a thick viscous aftertaste of a soft drink in the back of your throat.

The Best Part

Five percent real juice is five percent more juice than you would think.

Tragic Flaw

It's an energy drink that you eat for breakfast. An executive had to approve this.

This Is Weird...

It actually has less caffeine than an 8 ounce cup of coffee, which generally has around 100mg of caffeine.

Should You Buy It?

This is unquestionably bad for you and it's basically just regular Mountain Dew with different marketing. No. Are you serious? No.

Test Notes

  • Already had one cup of coffee earlier.
  • Did not finish the entire can(s) because I do not welcome death.
  • My stomach kind of hurts but I'm not sure if that's from KickStart or the beer I drank last night.
  • I would never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever drink this by choice.

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Mountain Dew KickStart

• Price: TBA (probably like $1.99)
• Ingredients: Orange Citrus: carbonated water, high fructose corn syrup, white grape juice concentrate, concentrated orange juice, citric acid, sodium hexametaphosphate, natural flavor, gum arabic, potassium sorbate, asorbic acid, caffeine, sodium citrate, acesulfame potassium, sucrose acetate isobutyrate, sucralose, glycerol ester of rosin, sodium benzoate, niacinamide, calcium disorium edta, calcium pantothenate, yellow 5, yellow 6, pyridoxine hydrochloride
Fruit Punch: carbonated water, high fructose corn syrup, white grape juice concentrate, citric acid, natural and artificial flavor, sodium hexametaphosphate, potassium sorbate, asorbic acid, gum arabic, caffeine, acesulfame potassium, sucralose, red 40, niacinamide, glycerol ester of rosin, yellow 5, calcium disorium edta, calcium pantothenate, sucrose acetate isobutyrate, pyridoxine hydrochloride
• Dimensions: 6 and 1/4 inches high by 2 and 1/8 inches in diameter
• Calories: 80
Gizrank: 1 stars

Photos by Michael Hession