A Memo to Investors in 11D Technologies, Inc.

You may have seen reports this week that a team at MIT is developing so-called "4D printing" technology, which would go far beyond current 3D printing technology's capacity to print three-dimensional objects with a machine. This team has stated that its fourth "D" involves objects self-assembling. I want to assure you, my unwavering investors, that 11D Technologies has long been aware of this development and continues to achieve superior technological progress that will allow our company to remain a leader in this field for the foreseeable future.

As you know, our prototype 5D Printer contains a patent-pending fifth "D," which permits the 5D to seek out all 4D Printers within a 10-mile radius, commandeer them, and re-program them to destroy any nearby 3D printers and then self-terminate. The 5D is currently awaiting regulatory approval from the Consumer Product Safety Commission, the National Transportation Safety Board, and the Department of Homeland Security.

At the same time, I'm pleased to report that our advances continue apace. We are in the initial testing stages of our ultra-advanced 6D printer. Once operational, the 6D will create a small but precise tear in spacetime, allowing it to preemptively block all future development of 7-, 8-, 9-, or 10D Printers. This exciting development will allow us to remain ahead of the curve for years to come.

Of course, it's important for you to know that we are not resting there. While it is still in the early conceptual design phases, I can report to you that we are beginning to see the first potential successes with the work toward our revolutionary 11D. We will inform you as soon as the 11D is ready for testing, although, to be technically accurate, when it is ready you will immediately know about it, and in fact you will always have known about it and always have been one with it. It is a truly all-encompassing advancement.

Finally, I'm pleased to report that as of next quarter all of our printer models will be available in "True Black."

Image: Mcor Technologies


Michael Ward is a regular contributor to McSweeney's and lives with his wife and printers in Watertown, Massachusetts.

This post was republished with permission from McSweeney's.