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Ugh! Me so stupid! All I had to do was come up with some good ideas for Gizmodo’s Senior Week, and I went and fucked the whole thing up.

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The task was pretty simple: We were supposed to pitch the stories “we’ve always wanted to write” and spend the whole week “doing whatever the hell we want,” but when you’re this dumb—doing whatever the hell you want is actually pretty hard.

I’d spent hours wrestling with my genius, working to sunset, toiling over how I should use this incredible editorial freedom. Should I take another cheap shot at one of my heroes? Should I wax poetic about my favorite social network? I built a list of targets and polished up the thesis of each and every one—and then I had my heart ripped right out.

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My soul-cycling editor went on a soul-crushing rampage when she went and killed all my beautiful seedlings. So now, for the rest of senior week, I will be crying in the corner, alone, while my friends blog their little hearts out. As a parting gift to the super curious, here is a long list blogs I’ll never get to write and you’ll never get to read.

  • Facebook should reveal the News Feed algorithm to the public
  • Milo Yiannopoulos is a coward and a jabroni
  • Confession: I enjoy getting lost in menu screens
  • It’s time to admit Steve Jobs was a con artist
  • I miss the original Napster
  • Casio’s calculator watch is the dopest watch ever made
  • Athletes should be allowed to dope in the Olympics
  • 5 Bold Predictions about Facebook
  • Albert Einstein was not really that smart
  • The lightbulb is a dumb invention
  • Only idiots use electricity
  • Shop-Vacs are the greatest invention ever
  • Why the death of our independent tech site matters
  • Mr. Ziff Davis, it’s nice to meet you my name is Mike
  • An emoji story 😏
  • 10 Weirdest Wikipedia pages ever
  • 10 Weirdest Quora questions ever
  • The Olympics is actually about using technology to cheat
  • Why space exploration doesn’t matter