By Gawker, 5:12 PM on Thu May 13 2004, 1,331 views (Edit, to draft, Top, Slurp)

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1. Check out a display of flexibility and acrobatic prowess that your girlfriend only wishes your fat ass had in the sack at Randalls Island tonight, as Cirque du Soleil takes the stage for a two-hour extravaganza.
2. Join real underground headz and rich white hipsters who wish they were black to see hip-hop savior RJD2, who performs at Bowery Ballroom. Additional bonus for punching aforementioned rich white homeless-dressing hipsters.
3. Everybody's favorite Op-Eder Paul Krugman, the Rev. Jesse Jackson, Jr, Clintonite Robert Reich, and a bevy of other like-minded individuals team up for a 2-day conference titled "What We Stand for: Ideas and Values to Take Back America," sponsored by the New Democracy Project. Finally, a conference centered on grassroots inclusion, with no ulterior corporate agenda to speak of... psych! Participation in this "program for progressive patriotism" will only set you back $33; for you poor people out there, you can watch the sparks fly on a TV simulcast while sitting in a different room with other likeminded poor people. How big of our rich liberal friends!