There's actually lots of gossip hidden away in the kiddie columns in the weekly tabloids. New York Post's Elisa Lipsky-Karasz's still suffers through last-minute edits, while Daily News-boy Ben Widdicombe kicks things up a notch in the competition. The full report:

LEAD ITEM:
EL-K: At fashion awards, Nicky Hilton dissed by P. Diddy bouncer; Natalie Portman trampled.
BW: Is John Kerry's stepson doing Diane Kruger, AKA Helen of Troy?
Winner: We'd give this to Widdicombe, cuz it sounds all exclusive and nasty, but a Hilton gets ignored at a party? Now that's giving the people what they want.

SECOND ITEM:
EL-K: Candace Bushnell calls for an end to blowjobs, shocking Cosmogirls.
BW: Would-be mayor Freddy Ferrer disses J. Lo and her bridegroom.
Winner: A pattern emerges. Widdicombe steadfastly involves "real people" in his column (like, politicians and shit), while L. Karasz writes about fake celebrities, socialistes and, eww, magazine editors. A point to the innovative Widdicombe for introducing "reality" into gossip.

NUGGETS:
EL-K: Vanity Fair to do profile of nightlife queen Amy Sacco — but first, Reagan on the next cover. Scarlett Johansson canoodles with Jared Leto in LA???? Marc Anthony = well hung. Hugh Jackman gets spray-tan.

: Bitchy choreographer (is there any other kind?) claims Brittany Murphy can't walk, much less dance. Blind items! Rehab fake-friend prepares tell-all on cleaning-up star. Downtown restaurateur schtups critic — and an assistant. Two TV news-stars recall 3-way love life. Finally, Hugh Jackman wears surfer trunks, not Speedo, to Soho House pool.

Winner: We're gonna have to call this one solely on the differing Hugh Jackman items. While I enjoy knowing that Hugh Jackman gets his man-bake on at SoHo's Brazil Bronze, the words "Hugh Jackman" and "speedo" sells papers. Therefore, the shabby tinfoil crown, once upon a time crushed to Liz Smith's voluminous breasts, just barely goes to Widdicombe this week.

Finally, a note to their editors: a weekly gossip column is a different animal than a daily, no? So why are you making the young-uns write like they're got Cindy Adams' hand up their asses?
A Hilton Is Harangued [EL-K, NYP]
Popcorn and Ketchup [BW, NYDN]

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