Virtually every retailer takes credit cards these days. More and more even accept services like Apple Pay. But when you really need cash to buy things like drugs or sex or illegal firearms, Chase will soon make it much more convenient. That’s right, card-free ATMs are on the way.


Chase recently announced that it will be rolling out card-free ATMs that use smartphones for identification. Chase customers will open an app on their phone and enter a pin number. Why would people of the future (that’s us) need to extract cash when they already have their phone? Again, drug dealers don’t take Apple Pay or Samsung Pay. Yet.

According to the Associated Press:


Chase and other banks have been rolling out new and upgraded ATMs in a continuing effort to replace the fleets of bank tellers at each branch once needed to handle routine customer transactions. [A Chase spokesperson] said Chase now does more transactions each month via ATMs than with tellers.

Another upgrade is a plan to allow the card-free ATMs to dispense different denominations rather than just $20 bills. Chase also plans on upping the limit for a single withdrawal to $3,000.

Again, one can only assume that these features coincide with the only reason Americans use cash these days: buying drugs, sex, and illegal firearms. Look, we realize that there are plenty of other reasons people use cash—to bribe police officers, for example— but we’re not judging.


Cash is dead. Long live cash.

(Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)