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‘Twas the night before Announcement Day, when all through the houses, families turned on their iMacs and began clicking their mouses; The turtlenecks folded by the chimney with precision, in hopes that St. Jobs would emerge as a vision. The children stared at iPads, bathed in blue light, and all gathered ‘round to perform the iRites:

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1. Iron and fold your sacrificial black turtleneck.

2. Curse a picture of Mike Daisey.

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3. Watch the 1984 commercial 1,984 times.

4. Abstain from masturbation to express gratitude to Apple for freeing you from porn.

5. Write a thank you card to a Foxconn employee.

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6. Leave out a liter of Mountain Dew and a plate of energy bars for Tim Cook.

7. Finger your headphone jack.

8. If you dare, say “apl.de.ap” in the mirror three times.

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9. Read the iTunes terms and conditions aloud to your Apple family products.

10. Build a nativity scene showing the birth of the iPhone.

11. Slip a U2 Album in the mailboxes of everyone on your block.

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12. Conjure Jeb.

13. Think different.