Let's face it: There's no one in the world who knows you quite as well as Google does. It's the only place we'll get truly, uncomfortably intimate, revealing every bodily function, personal secret, bizarre question, and government-watch-list-worthy keyword. Now imagine if, instead of an inanimate website, we were dishing all that out to some dude in a cubicle.

CollegeHumor did. In fact, this is their second foray into the hilarious world of Google in human form. The only person happier than us that this isn't real life is probably the poor schmuck himself.