A man misses his bus so that he can stare at his phone. A woman ignores a meeting so that she can stare at her phone. A man stays late after work so that... well, you get the point. No, this isn't a cheeky indictment of our smartphone-obsessed culture. This is—somehow—a celebration of it.

It's hard to know where to start with AT&T's ad above, which promotes both the iPhone 5C and the carrier's frequent update plan. But let's begin at the very end, with a tagline that is equal parts true and cynical and depressing as hell:

AT&T knows you don't want anything to come between you and your new iPhone.

The new iPhone in question is the iPhone 5C, which is in fact an old iPhone with a shiny coat of polycarbonate plastic slapped on. The upgrade plan, AT&T Next, is one of the biggest ripoffs in tech. And the message, that we should ignore the world around us in favor of a glimmering parallax retina display, is inexcusable.

When I first saw the video below, which condemns how smartphones are taking over our lives, I thought it was a little overwrought. Now that I've seen its corporate counterpoint, I don't think it goes nearly far enough.

Technology is wonderful. Your phone can connect you to any piece of information at any time. It lets my parents see their grandchild grow up in real-time through the magic of Skype. It's a release for when the world gets to be too much. But it should enable our lives, not replace them.

AT&T knows you don't want anything to come between you and your new iPhone.

Don't let boarding a bus come between you and your iPhone. Don't let other human beings waiting for you so that their meeting can start come between you and your new iPhone. Don't let helping your coworker close up shop come between you and your new iPhone. Don't let going home to your girlfriend, or wife, or kid, or dog, or plant, or to your one moment of solitude in a day otherwise spent working in a blistering restaurant kitchen come between you and your new iPhone. Don't let making eye contact come between you and your new iPhone. Don't let the night, full of potential and sometimes mystery and maybe a beer or two with old friends you haven't talked to in a few months because you're too busy staring at your new iPhone and they are too come between you and your new iPhone. Don't let buying a bargain bin paperback because the cover has a dog on it that reminds your dog, the one you had growing up, come between you and your new iPhone. Don't let taking a moment to sit in silence to listen to your own thoughts even if they're unpredictable, especially if they're unpredictable, if we're still even capable of thoughts we can't predict instead of plotting out our next tweet or our next word with friends, come between you and your new iPhone. Don't let your old iPhone come between you and your new iPhone. Don't let anything come between you and your new iPhone. Don't.