Valentine's Day —or as it's called in more cynical circles, "Singles Awareness Day"—is finally upon us. As is tradition, anyone finding themselves single and alone tonight will probably be inclined to spend the evening wallowing in self pity. But it doesn't have to be this way! There's an entire world of products out there designed for the express purpose of helping you lie to yourself about being alone.
We've compiled some of the best (to use the term loosely) below. And remember, no matter what they say, the objects can love you back.
The Girlfriend Body Pillow
This fluffy, disembodied torso is designed to "recreate the contours of your loved one," assuming your loved one is a headless amputee whose only remaining hand is fused to a latex kitchen glove.
The Nodding Robot Plant
If rubbing up against a felt torso is a little too close to human contact for your comfort, this robotic plant will you keep you company at safe, personal-space-bubble-friendly distance. The best part? It nods in agreement to everything you say, because nothing says comfort like an inanimate object programed to vaguely move up and down.
Pre-Recorded Videos of Japanese Girls Apologizing/Saying They Love You
Hey, you're going to need to watch something after your House of Cards binge. And if you drink a little beforehand, she probably starts to sound like she really means it.
The iPhone That Holds You Back
Starting to forget what it feels like to experience the gentle caress of a lover? Don't worry, plastic in the shape of a hand is basically the same thing! It even comes in a child-sized hand version, because the only person who can stop you from making the world even creepier is you.
The Howl Tissue Pillow
Just because there's no one else to love you doesn't mean you can't love yourself.
The Expected Curtain
Tired of coming home to an empty house or apartment? It doesn't have to be that way. These shadowy friends will always be waiting for you, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for all eternity. You know, assuming you never actually go in side.
The Anti-Loneliness Ramen Bowl
You might think your Valentine's meal of a single bowl of Ramen is just about as sad as can be, but you're wrong. Things can always get sadder. We presume that's why designers Daisuke Nagatomo and Jan Minnie made this smartphone-dock-cum-food-bowl. The only logical next step? Felt boob handles.
The Make-Out Practice Pillow
Just because you're alone doesn't mean the night can't end with a goodnight kiss. Or, you know, CPR practice. Safety first.
Microwave Cooking for One
Hey, it worked for this guy: