Valentine's Day is finally here. And in keeping with tradition, the lonely hearts amongst us will spend the evening partaking in a sacred ritual known as "human Cathy comic." But it doesn't have to be this way! There's an entire world of products out there designed for the express purpose of helping you lie to yourself about how so very alone you really are.
We've compiled some of the best (to use the term loosely) below. And remember, no matter what they say, sometimes, the objects really can love you back.
The Girlfriend Body Pillow
This fluffy, disembodied torso is designed to "recreate the contours of your loved one," assuming your loved one is a headless amputee whose only remaining limb is fused to a latex kitchen glove.
The Nodding Robot Plant
If rubbing up against a felt torso is a little too close to the real thing for your liking, this robotic plant will you keep you company at a safe, personal space bubble-friendly distance. The best part? It nods in agreement to everything you say, because at least the plant knows how to be supportive, you say from your mother's basement.
Pre-Recorded Videos of Japanese Girls Apologizing/Saying They Love You
They know what they did.
Plus hey, if you drink a little beforehand, I bet she starts to sound like she really means it.
The iPhone Holder That Holds You Back
Starting to forget what it feels like to experience a lover's gentle caress? Don't worry, plastic in the shape of a hand is sort of the same thing maybe. And it even comes in a child-sized hand version, because the only person who can put limits on how deeply, painfully uncomfortable the people around you are is you.
The Howl Tissue Pillow
Just because there's no one else to love you doesn't mean you can't (make) love (to) yourself. Or that you can't cry afterwards. The Howl Tissue Pillow says you can!
The Expected Curtain
Tired of coming home to an empty house or apartment? It doesn't have to be that way. These shadowy friends will always be waiting for you, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for the rest of your life. Just so long as you stay outside.
The Anti-Loneliness Ramen Bowl
You might think your Valentine's meal of a single bowl of Ramen is just about as sad as can be, but you're wrong. Things can get way sadder! Which is why there's this smartphone dock/food bowl. The only logical next step? Felt boob handles.
The Make-Out Practice Pillow
Just because you're alone doesn't mean the night can't end with a goodnight kiss (or several *wink*). Also great for CPR practice. Safety first.
Microwave Cooking for One
Hey, it worked for this guy: