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Droid Does

Verizon's Droid commercials haven't been around very long, but I already keep seeing various combination of "iDon't" and "Droid does" being incorporated into everything from tweets to articles. (Hell, even we couldn't resist it once or twice.)

I can sort of forgive occurrences of the tagline slipping into reviews or posts about the actual gadget, but several days ago I found myself overhearing a fellow practically reciting the first Droid commercial to mock his buddy's iPhone preference. I seriously hope that I was in some sort of bizarro coffee shop or that maybe this guy was just an oddity. Please just skip this tagline, because I assure you: That guy sounded like a complete asshole.

There's an App for That

C'mon. Be honest. How often have you slipped this gem of a tagline into a comment? And how often have you groaned or rolled your eyes because you saw someone else remark that there is in fact an app for that? It was barely funny the first few times, but at this point even your grandma is using it and that oughta tell you something.

And no, changing a word doesn't make you sound like less of an asshole.

Think Different

Once upon a time, Apple's "Think Different" commercial made me smile at its cleverness. Then I saw the commercial a second time and I cringed. It's actually kinda cheesy and the tagline isn't much better. No matter what the concept behind it is, it basically feels like it's a nicely cut down version of the trite and overused "think outside of the box" and hearing it used feels just as irritating.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Unless you're genuinely wondering if the person you're talking to can hear you, there's no way to not sound like an asshole when using the "Can you hear me now?" tagline. Not even in an ironic look-at-me-I'm-so-cool-that-I-can-say-this-to-mock-it way.

Besides, while I'm certain that he's a nice fellow, do you really want to associate yourself with the slightly dorky-looking Verizon Guy?

It Keeps Going, and Going, and Going...

Last weekend I asked a friend how her date went. She remarked that he was like an Energizer bunny. And, as she thought I was confused by the expression, she continued to explain that he "kept going, and going, and going..." and it took me quite some willpower to not break down in tears on the spot. Someone so clever and lovely insisted on using a reference and a tagline so incredibly cliched that I'd initially thought I'd heard wrong. Please. Think of a better description for these things. (Especially since it's probably inaccurate in that scenario since hardly gentlemen really manage to keep up with that darned bunny rabbit.)

Where Do You Want to Go Today?

Oh, as much as Microsoft's good old "where do you want to go today?" annoys me, I actually crave to hear it sometimes. Such as in place of that grunt and nod I get from cab drivers. As with the "can you hear me now?" tagline, this one should only be used when you mean it literally and aren't attempting to make an allusion to the commercial.

Intel Inside

I've seen "baby inside," "beauty inside," "goddess inside," "whiskey inside," and who-knows-what-else inside tshirts, bumper stickers, and undies. Unless I'm seriously mistaken, those are spin-offs to the ancient "Intel inside" and they're not exactly funny anymore. I doubt that anyone can show me a single example of play on that tagline that won't make me roll my eyes (but feel free to try). In the meantime: Let's just not add to the ridiculousness.

I like these a lot more, even though I'll admit they're sort of generic. The Droid is a damned impressive device—merely listing its attributes should be enough to sell the thing. On the other hand, I wouldn't be writing about this ad if it weren't so different than the American one, since it's not nearly as powerful or controversial. I guess you win this one, advertisers. [Pocket Lint via Engadget]

I guess with that price, odds are that it's probably the kitchen tool. Geez. Talk about a tease after all those borderline-NSFW puns.

Do not share food or love in front of a sad, injured man. He's in enough pain without you rubbing it in.

On a train, never, ever feed your shoe beer. Dude can't hold his liquor.

During fits of train hail, under no circumstances should you swing at the ice chunks. They will multiply and occasionally crap, a la bird, onto other passengers.

Don't dive into a train. Because if you get caught be the doors, people will stand idly by while your body is ripped into two. Save such carnage for the beach, where the blood is easily cleaned up due to copious amounts of sand.

Sticking your fingers into your headphones will not block the sound from your ears. And please conduct such experiments at home.

Women should never talk on the phone, no matter what emotion they exude. It's a known pervert fetish.

OK, this is the one shot where I kind of feel bad for the strange man in the glasses. WTF hikers!

If you are grasping a handle and find you forgot to wear deodorant, lift yourself above the crowd. Wait, no, keep your arms up and make people smell it. Wait, no, lift yourself. [Adme via copyranter via boingboing]

With Transformers, Michael Bay elevated the franchise, fattening geek hearts as one could a calf before slaughter—proving, maybe for the first time in the history of man, that it was not better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

And as the bad reviews poured in, Bay laughed upon his throne of burning diesel.

To top the prank of Transformers 2, however, Transformers 3 would not do. Fans had already written off the franchise, and to some extent, the Michael Bay brand altogether. For his next stunt, Bay would need to infiltrate even deeper cultural tomes invisibly, destroying culture from the inside.

So Michael Bay directed this Victoria's Secret ad, thereby spoiling the singular fragment of the world untainted by his confused action-sexual outlook—a perspective comprised of such distilled adolescence that it shames even the lowest brow among us...well, hopefully. [Gawker]

"It's a ten!" is right. It takes a special kind of celebrity to stoop to doing local car commercials and only come out more likable on the other side. Go get 'em, Wozzer. [Fake Steve]

I have a Droid, and like it a lot, but I'm a little concerned that these ads are alienating buyers by making the phone seem a lot more complex and threatening than it really is. To a first-time buyer, smartphones are a pretty intimidating purchase, and while I understand the impulse to differentiate the Droid from the cute-as-a-button, simple-as-can-be iPhone commercials, the Droid commercials may be going too far in the opposite direction with the whole DROID SMASH aesthetic. But that's just me, and, well, I bought one anyway—what do you guys think? [YouTube]

Come on, admit it. You can't resist Lipton. [Beard Revue via NotCot]

The notebooks—part of a campaign created by Ogilvy Frankfurt—were installed in buses and tram shuttles that lead prospective buyers to Lenovo Roadshows all over Germany. The buses were waiting by train stations and airports to get visitors to the events, offering them the possibility to either surf the web or rest their buttocks while having a key massage. I would like to do both at the same time. [Direct Daily]

Okay, actually, I kind of like this one. [YouTube via NeoWin]

Sprint isn't giving in to the request and is proceeding to argue independent test results. I quite frankly don't care whether they give in, keep the claim, or change it to say that they're the best thing since sliced bread. I just want reliable service and calls that actually go through. [Electronista]

[Engadget]

Sure, the Wii might actually have a shot at keeping awkward conversation to a minimum, but it faces the same problem that the Commodore 64 had when it reigned supreme: You'll still probably be booted from the TV when the football starts.

Technologizer has collected 10 of the most disturbingly perky tech ads from the 1980s, and it's a fun look at how far we've (sorta) come. [Technologizer]

Does Luke Wilson armed with some magnets beat the punch of Verizon's catchy slogan?

U.S. District Court Judge Timothy Batten Sr remarked that people might "misunderstand" the commercials, "but that doesn't mean they're misleading." He continued to add that "most people who are watching TV are semi-catatonic" to begin with. Let's hope his train of thought remains during the follow-up hearing on December 16, because the case is starting to lose any entertainment value. [AJC via Engadget]

When your lawsuits sound like press releases, it's because they probably are (not that we care, the whole case is pretty entertaining). Check out this opening statement from Verizon:

AT&T did not file this lawsuit because Verizon's "There's A Map For That" advertisements are untrue; AT&T sued because Verizon's ads are true and the truth hurts.

YA BURNT, AT&T! Verizon goes on to accuse AT&T of failing to adequately expand its 3G coverage to match demand for its smartphones, which is sort of a hard point for AT&T to argue. Verizon claims that its advertisements are "literally true" (instead of philosophically true? Metaphorically true? True in the sense in which it is used in animal husbandry, as in purebred? What?) and not misleading, and that AT&T has failed to provide customers with an accurate map of its coverage. It's pretty great, really—if you've ever wished the American legal system was more like it is on Law and Order, this whole statement is a gift. [Engadget]

If you don't feel like watching the whole ad, jump to about 1:50. It's where the truth is revealed. It's also the moment when I began to daydream about the days when ads actually showed the product for more than a few seconds. [Thanks, GitEmSteveDave!]

I just really need to know whether the voice over guy or the girl with the measuring tape are included with the purchase or sold separately.

It's a simple text link that leads to Google's mobile partners page which then has a link to the actual Verizon Wireless site. But despite that extra click, it's still incredibly rare to see any sort of ad on the otherwise clean homepage. Especially when it kinda conflicts with Google's attempts to make the things even more minimalist lately. [TechCrunch]

That's according to the man who named it, Ken Segall, who talked to Leander at Cult of Mac. Segall worked at Apple's agency TBWA\Chiat\Day, and not only christened the iMac, but was the man behind Apple's pitch-perfect "Think Different" campaign.

It's ironic that Segall, who knew iMac was the perfect name and pitched it to Jobs over and over after being rejected again and again, thought that the computer itself was stupid: "We were guarded. We were being polite, but we were really thinking, ‘Jesus, do they know what they are doing? It was so radical."

It strikingly highlights the difference between people who create things and the people who sell them: Apple could see they had a brilliant product, but a terrible way to sell it. TBWA saw a terrible product, but had a brilliant way to brand it. Unfortunately, Segall won't actually reveal Jobs' terrible name, fearing it would open the ninth gate of Hell and bring forth the Apocalypse choo-choo.

Steve never actually told Segall he'd accepted iMac—he just started silk-screening it on prototypes to see how it looked.

Check out the full interview over at Cult of Mac, there are way more tidbits, like how Segall came up with "iMac," that definitely make it worth the read. [Cult of Mac]

Aw, that description of stuff in the episode makes me almost not really sad about missing a joke about Windows 7 making it easier to insert tampons for deaf people during the Holocaust. Shucks. [Variety via Raw Feed]

General complaints about Vista are cleverly masked behind a series of "want" and "wish" scenarios, making Windows 7 less the specific solution to Vista and more the divine manifestation of an abstract ideal—something an IT dork would beg a genie for rather than begrudgingly buy and install after Vista let him down.

It's a clever, forward-looking campaign. And I hope you like it, because starting today, these spots are going to be all over TV. [NYT via ZDNet]

Beezag's premise is to target 18-24 year olds—makes sense, since they're the poorest people with the most amount of free time to watch ads for cash—and give them prizes in return. The prizes?

Beezag then rewards them with discounts and cash which can be paid into accounts like iTunes, PayPal™, their favorite charity or even their personal bank account.

Unfortunately, payout rates were absolute garbage back then, and I don't imagine they're any better now. The best thing I got out of it was a shirt for GarageBand.com.

It's fine if you want to revisit an old business model that takes advantage of kids with no money, but don't pretend that it's some revolutionary thing you came up with now. The only thing new that we see is the Beezag bracelet they're giving away with an ID on it, plus an iPhone app that you can watch ads with on the go. [Beezag]

Oh, that's right. Apple sees Windows 7 as an opportunity for them just as much as it is for Microsoft, since people are looking to replace their computers. So, BusinessWeek says that a tidal wave of new ads is coming that'll, for instance, make fun of the fact that upgrading to Windows 7 from XP ain't easy. (Though, to be fair, of the three things that come in the Windows 7 box, one is a warning to XP users.)

Maybe, just maybe though, Apple will grant us an early Christmas gift in the form of actually new "Get a Mac" ads that aren't from like 2006 (as much I appreciate John Hodgman's brilliance in them). Somehow I doubt it. [BW]

Again, Microsoft's sponsorship of the show means that it will air commercial-free. Let's hope the final version makes sitting through 30 minutes of this actually tolearable. [win741 via Ars Technica]