Gizmodo
Gizmodo editor emeritus Joel Johnson is back, and if you thought he was doling out noogies before, wait til you get a hold of his first column where he scolds you, the Giz writers, the gadget makers, and you, dear readers, for supporting the disgusting cycle of gadget whoring. Just like the obscure route that your marijuana money takes into the Al Qaeda pocketbooks, by reading, writing, and buying shitty gadgets, we're just as guilty as the people who build them.
Consumer electronics are a joke. It's everyone's fault but mine. You assholes.
These guys want me to write a weekly column, but I hate consumer electronics, I hate marketing, and I hate you people, because you're all so dumb. If you're lucky and I need the money, I will.
I gave up two years of my life writing about gadgets for this site. Waking up every morning at 5 AM, chewing up press releases to find the rare morsel of legitimate information, chasing down "hot tips" that ended up being photochops of iPods with reflections of genitals in the touchscreens. Oh, and the worst: fielding emails from PR parasites eager to suck away precious time in a half-hour phone meeting while the Senior Vice-President of Smoke Blowing tells me about how his company's software—based on an idea cribbed from Google—is going to change the way I look at something I didn't care about in the first place. (Inevitably, "forever.")
And you guys just ate it up. Kept buying shitty phones and broken media devices green and dripping with DRM. You broke the site, clogging up the pipe like retarded salmon, to read the latest announcements of the most trivial jerk-off products, completely ignoring the stories about technology actually making a difference to real human beings, because you wanted a new chromed robot turd to put in your pocket to impress your friends and make you forget for just a few minutes, blood coursing as you tremblingly cut through the blister pack, that your life is utterly void of any lasting purpose.
Then you had the audacity to complain about broken phones, half-assed firmware that bricked your gear, and winner-takes-nothing arms races between the companies whose gear your bought and the hackers who had nothing better to do than try to fix it. Do you realize how ridiculous that is? Programmers with free time did more to help you get quality products than you ever did by buying the broken gear in the first place.
Stop buying this crap. Just stop it. You don't need it. Wait a year until the reviews come out and the other suckers too addicted to having the very latest and greatest buy it, put up a review, and have moved on to something else. Stop buying broken products and then shrugging your shoulders when it doesn't do what it is supposed to. Stop buying products that serve any other master than you. Use older stuff that works. Make it yourself. Only buy new stuff from companies that have proven themselves good servants of their customers in the past. Complaining online about this stuff helps, but really, just stop buying it.
You want to know the punchline? The average Joe that makes up the market is smarter than you saps. The market-at-large waits until a clear leader emerges, then takes a modest plunge. You may think you're making up the "bleeding edge" of "gadget pimpatude" but you're really just a loose confederation of marks the consumer electronics industry uses as free market research and easy money. "Give me the latest version," you coo, hiking up your skirt another inch over your exposed wallet. "Point Oh One upgrades make me so hot."
And for god's sake, Gizmodo, stop giving this stuff such a free pass. Stop using terminology that they've programmed into you by puking it into your eyeballs via press release after press release. What is this "unleashes" horseshit, Deleon? You're not in marketing. Don't write like you are. This is obviously a not a real product, Frucci. Did you even read the site you linked? Are you actually writing boosterism-filled copy about products that don't actually exist? Oh my god, Wilson, you're writing about that house-printing machine? I wrote about that almost three years ago. (You get a slight pass because I couldn't find my old link in Google because of Gawker's inexplicable "Wheel O' Permalink Syntax," but still, you guys are supposed to be well-versed experts about technology. You should know about this stuff. The C in "Gizmodo" is for "some fucking context," which you should provide, even if you only get paid per cock joke.)
While we're on the subject of your torpid, irresponsible copy, stop calling stuff "*tastic." Especially "geektastic," your slackest-jawed portmanteau. Would you drop that bon mot to a woman you were trying to hit on in real life? Of course you would, because I know you guys, and you're dorks.
Get it together: every single one of these consumer electronics companies should be approached as the enemy. They work for us. Hold their feet to the fire when they say their product is going to change even a small part of our lives. Circle back again in six months when they're shilling the incremental upgrade and ask them why the last version didn't cut the mustard. Step out of your blogging trench and ask yourself what your responsibility is to the tens of thousands of idiots who are reading this site right now to determine what they should spend their next paycheck on. They've already proven they're too imbicilic to make any smart purchases on their own. (Remember, Gizmodo was a nexus of debate over which MP3 player was going to "kill" the iPod two years after Apple won.) If you write like another stupid fanboy who ricochets a pillar of spunk off the roof of his gaping mouth just because something is glossy and uses electricity, you're just doing the work of the companies trying to get rich selling us broken promises.
Ah. I feel better. Didn't help a thing, but I feel better, and I'm what's important here.
Comments
I heard the sound of dozens of sphincter's tightening all the way in Canada.
I've only read the headline so far...and I'm very happy with it.
If people weren't so ready to shell out wads of cash for crappy things, then those of us with standards would be much more able to buy nice things for very cheap prices. The ideas of supply/demand only work if consumers bother to think, rather than just running out in a hurry and buying what some commercial says is "the best."
"retarded salmon" LOL!!!
joel: well i feel better too! glad to see you back!!! yay!!!
We missed you, Joel.
Not everything is awesome. And just because it's expensive, doesn't mean it's noteworthy.
But I do keep coming back for the cock jokes - they are funny.
Didn't you recently write a week-long piece about sausauge?
Wow, he calls me a retarded salmon and I love him for it.
What a man.
Wow, he really unleashed some angertastic vitriol there.
Now, where did I leave my cheap Chinese ipod knockoff?
Holy hell, that was awesome. I agree, and have always agreed, that any gadget made to specifically limit what you can do with it (ie iPods, DRM, etc.) can go straight to hell in my book. I would never spend a significant amount of many on a gadget that cannot be upgraded, and is not versatile. I'm a fanboy of SMART products, not brands or companies for the sake of [fill in the blank]. Even IF I can afford more, I will never spend money on a product that I KNOW will not last for any reason. The biggest problems with consumers today seems to be vanity and apathy. It's like with American cars, compare them to foreign cars and it's pathetic. But they are the way they are because Americans haven't demanded any better. Example: They don't call smartcars "smartcars" for no reason, and it's no mystery why you don't see them in America.
Good points... I`ve been a faithful reader of Gizmodo for about 3 years, but the last few months have been somewhat disappointing in the reporting of truly useful gadgets.. not just `hey - this is weird - look at it`
Sorry Brian no offense - but don`t get rid of the pics of cats playing 360.. I like those occasionally.
Who's Joel?
Seriously though, welcome back man. The only good thing that came about as a result of your departure was the removal of that goddamned mechanical elf.
Crap...
Joel is right, Gizmodo sucks and so do wii.
Maksimir, No offense taken. But we did scoop PS3, Wii, Zune, and iPhone coverage. And traffic has tripled during the last 6 months. So the comment about reporting I disagree with. And the point of bringing Joel back is to balance things out a bit.
Golly you're sure an elitist little turd for someone that did this for what, 75 years before the new crew? Gorsh. Maybe your next post should be about where to buy that sweet pedestal. I hope it comes in glossy electricities because I'm an idiot!
Who the "F" are you to tell me what I should buy and what I should read? You must be some (hold on... scrolling back to see who wrote this crap....) oh jesus it's Joel. Whoring himself out for crack money or something. Now I'll take you serious.
Screw you goofballs who jump on the Joel bandwagon after he called you all retarded salmon.
Ha,
I always thought that Gizmodo was here to sell adds and make money, But Joel acts like its journalism with integrity. Now I'm confused.
Welcome back Joel.
I feel so dirty now. :(
why is joel's name spelled wrong at the end of the column.
Sheadhead. It's gadget journalism. It's too goofy to be taken seriously.
Now that Joel's back, Gizmodo is going to transform into voltron.
Screw all o you. He goes ranting and you're all "oh yea, right right, you hit the nail on the head there". It's my God given and American sanctified right to be a moron about my time and money and I'll be damned if I'm going delve deep within my soul and psyche to make any of you feel better about the world. Just keep writing about the toys and I'll keep reading, like we both agreed to in the first place.
THAT WAS GREAT!!! i totally agree! now i must go play my new Wii on my brand new 108" flatscreen with built in HD-DVD. then i gotta hook up my iTV while waiting for a call on my iPhone....
outstanding - this is the best...
>>
Stop buying this crap. Just stop it. You don't need it. Wait a year until the reviews come out and the other suckers too addicted to having the very latest and greatest buy it, put up a review, and have moved on to something else. Stop buying broken products and then shrugging your shoulders when it doesn't do what it is supposed to. Stop buying products that serve any other master than you. Use older stuff that works. Make it yourself. Only buy new stuff from companies that have proven themselves good servants of their customers in the past. Complaining online about this stuff helps, but really, just stop buying it.
Joel is why I started reading Gizmodo. Why do I keep reading it? Because part of my monthly salary comes from the CE biz and the Giz is a good way to keep up on the hype machine.
But man, the writing quality has suffered since Joel left.
i'm confused. i don't own a cellphone, slingbox, or itunes account. i drool a bit at the new toys, but i have no intention of buying 99% of them. but i still like reading giz. so does that make me a retarded salmon *sshole, or just dumb?
there has to be balance between promotion and advocacy. consumerist takes the adversarial route, and spends most of the time looking petty as a result. sounds to me like joel grumpykins could use a nap.
That was Trash-tastic, Joel!
At least I'm not one of the early adopters that just got bashed...if only because MY HOT WIFE won't let me buy all the gadgets I want. But that does afford me the luxury of letting the kinks get worked out before I buy.
Joel is right. Together, we have the power to change this sector of the world for the better, and we have to embrace the responsibility to to so. The manufacturers & the media at large are more plugged into this little blog than we ever imagined.
We find ourselves in the unlikely position of making a difference and driving the consumer electronics market in the right direction. We must act accordingly. We are not spectators; we are participants. Vote with your dollar and help the ignorant vote right, too.
Yes, everyone and anyone is allowed to be a moron, but when morons start effecting other peoples lives because they make moronic decisions, that's when problems arise. Sometimes people DO need to be told to do just a little consumer research before blowing their cash. The more people avoid crappy products because of their research, the less crappy products you're going to see made available. Everyone has free rights, but those rights can have consequences when they're exercised without logic.
Brilliant, Joel. You'll always have a place in my heart even as I continue to buy gadgets I don't need and waste huge amounts of my time on Gizmodo.
joel 4 prez
I didn't like his tone...lol. Very well put...it seems I've fallen into the bottomless trap of shit useless consumerism products...save me joel...save me.
Everyone, shut up. The only person who has made a comment worth reading was that guy making the inscrutable acknowledgment of my love for sausage.
I'm only commenting to take umbrage with Lam's introduction: my marijuana money doesn't go to Al Qaeda. My opium money, however...
Damn Joel, that was one hell of a diatribe. I think you might be on to something though. There's much to be said for mature technology... However, new shiny things are cool. Fanboys are not. Hope Dethroner is still rocking though...
I love you, Joel Johnson. More than ever. Why don't you post stuff like this to your personal blog, huh?
Wow. Joel "I'm a real Asshat" Johson is back. Who cares? I for one don't need his God complex taking up any of my online time.
I still can't decide if the Prada copied iPhone or the other way around.
Thank you sir, may I have another!?
RedSkysatNight needs a hug. :(
I've been reading Gizmodo for quite some time and I have a feeling we're soon going to see the sniper kitty and a post titled
Comments Quick Execution: Gizmodo Editor Emeritus Edition
Joel essay made me hate Gizmodo and now all the comments made me love it again. Is it a Valentine's day thing? Are these feelings normal?
If we are really lucky, you won't. Just my HO.
Wow. And I thought I was pissed about the current state of cyclical crap marketing of incremental products.
meaniemean, I'll take that hug. [:)]
I must say, I'm with "dave the wet sprocket".
down with the motherfucking hype machine. i hate hyped electronics, but i can't say "viva joel" because everyone else is and i'd look like a hype-head if i agreed. but fuck the hype of some of the best-selling, worst-performing, highest-priced devices out there (RAZR, i'm looking at you).
Does this mean less iPod fanboys? Does it? Does it?
All of that whitespace and not ONCE did you say ..
"oh, and go read dethroner you lazy bitches"
..i'm horribly disappointed..
I'm one of the ones who enjoyed Gizmodo during the Joel days, but if this is his new attitude I don't think we'll be seeing a return to the 'glory days of yore'. We don't need another elitist snob telling us what to think and do, we get enough of that crap from Steve Jobs.
How about putting your money where your mouth is and ponying up some quality reporting first, then maybe we'll buy into your line. It beats the hell out of venomous spite.
Wow. Talk about a group of spineless kids desperate for a leader.
iPod.
Steve Jobs.
Windows.
Joel.
It's doesn't matter, tell them what to do and they'll drool on command all the same.
I am feeling like most of the regular readers of this site would make great army recruits. If they had any muscle tone.
I'll say that this post and Brendan's Low End Theory are the examples of what this site needs to get back to. Thanks for cracking the whip. I'm tired of watching Lam stuff things down his pants and other juvenile fluff that's there just to get higher post counts and free demo units.
OK... I've spent over an hour looking for the 'C' in "Gizmodo" and I can't find it for the life of me. I'm only gonna spend one more hour looking for it and then I'm heading over to Joel's house so he can explain it to me.
BTW- I figured the 'C' would stand for "crap-tastic"!
u need to lighten up, next time ur in palo alto i'll smoke u out
Welcome back Joel, these kids have gotten a little out of hand lately and needed someone to set them back on track.
For newbies here who do not know Joel Johnson, here's his latest project:
www.dethroner.com
Guess he is a little too shy to give it a plug.
guys is this really what's important? i mean in a post 9/11 world should we really get this worked up about CE? and in this time of national crisis as we mourn the passing of anna nichole smith, shouldn't we find more ways to get along instead of finding ways to divide us?
JoelTastic!
Great to have you back Man!
Phil