Gizmodo
Dear Panasonic. First of all, I'd like to say how fine that Real Pro Ultra massage chair looks, if a little scary. It reminds me of that robot thing in Aliens - you know, the one that Ripley straps herself into right at the end. I'm sort of waiting for the model (about whom, more later) to start moving about the room in it, shouting, "Get away from her you BITCH!" just for the hell of it.
But could I just make a few observations? Firstly, if you want us to buy this thing - and, at $4,799, you're asking quite a lot - you need to do something to your press shots. Biscuit parquet covered by an even beiger carpet, and walls the color of biannually-cleaned fish tanks do not a sale make. What happened to the rest of the furniture? Perhaps she had to flog it all in order to pay for this vibrating mound of Pleather .
You will, I am sure, allow me to say a few words about the sleeping lay-dee, clad in what looks like a leisure suit (Is it softest Terry towelling? I bet it is) - sure, she may have assumed the "Do it quietly and gently, or you'll wake her" position, but it's just, not enough, is it?
No sirree. What you want is some shameless minx, clambering upside down on the chair, all tousled blonde hair extensions and PVC, oiled up, legs akimbo, proclaiming to the world that, yes, she likes 200 inches, she can TAKE two hundred inches, because that is what your massage chair can give her. 200 inches (square inches, obnoviously) of back massage! 460 inches of air massage - is that like air guitar, only more sensuous? The Giz must know now, please.
She must writhe and shiver, telling potential customers that the Real Pro Ultra does it Shiatsu-style, does Swedish, has a magic thumb that soothes away stiffness (oh, hold on, best not say that) erm, has a magic thumb that does unspeakable things, that grasps, that kneads, that can cater for up to four people*. Tell her to point out, breathlessly, that the chair is made of easy-wipe, synthetic leather, that it comes in either chocolate brown or black, and it's exclusively available at The Sharper Image.
And if that doesn't work, tell her to get her kit off and make an "Ooh" shape with her mouth. [Panasonic]
*Not at the same time, sadly.
Comments
Sweet Jesus I need one of these. Come to Daddy. The chair looks nice too!
Best. Open. Letter. Evar.
And thus, Jizmodo was born.
Dear Addy,
Will you come to my house and read me bedtime stories? Please?
If I won the lotto, I'd so buy one of these.
hey, for a taste of this chair, i encourage everyone to pay a visit to the local Brookstone. it's pretty sweet.
the comparison to ellen ripley in a cargo loader was brilliant.
wow, I can't wait to get the ol lady mad at me. "your sleeping on the couch tonight"
"With a picture like that, one can only conclude that any woman that has that chair needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
This chair will be the end of civilization, mark my words"
I tried a similar massage chair being sold at Brookstone. Feels great. Read more ->
[knottydon73.blogspot.com]
That chair needs to fall off the back of a truck into my driveway or something. And it's just not fair to read that on a day I'm actually having back spasms.
Cryostasis Lazyboy FTW.
I had one of the earlier panasonic chairs that is very similar. Well, actually it was my housemate's chair, but I got to use it whenever. It was great for about the first month and then I got bored of it. I was pretty mad at myself for being bored with a live-in maseuse chair that I drooled over before we had it, but after awhile getting a massage from the thing is like seeing Michael Jackson's face after it was replaced by an alien. You can only go OMFG so many times before you don't care as much. Then I'd only hop in the thing every couple weeks for a pick me up.
"Firstly, if you want us to buy this thing - and, at $4,799, you're asking quite a lot - you need to do something to your press shots. Biscuit parquet covered by an even beiger carpet, and walls the color of biannually-cleaned fish tanks do not a sale make."
Quite frankly I don't think you are in the market to be purchasing the chair, as you are making a slight fuss about the price tag. This leads me to believe that you should also not be attracted by the creative design of the photo.
As for your statement "Perhaps she had to flog it all in order to pay for this vibrating mound of Pleather™", it's quite possible that the statement being made is that it's the only piece of furniture she needs in her life. This chair is not meant to be a la-z-boy chair, but rather a central source of relaxation, just as a massage table exists in the center of a room.
Stick to writing about gadgets and leave the artistic interpretation to the professionals. I'd be much more interested if you wrote an article about how this chair probably has 5% similar components as the Panasonic PT-61LCZ70 61" Class (60.5" Diagonal) LIFI™ HDTV with 1080p Resolution, Built-In SD Card Slot, 3 HDMI Ports and EZ Sync™.
As always though, much love for gizmodo.
Does the banhammer work on shameless blogger whores too?
they've had that chair in china for a long ass time already.
Oh addy, I do so love it when you talk to me dirty...
Don't they use those chairs in Guantanamo Bay for force-feeding?
I totally agree with EBone - what a great bedtime story Addy...
As for cwh - shut the f**k up, man! It's called humor and sarcasm, you jackass.
Ad, can you please, from now on, write all the posts on this blog? I beg of ya..
oh, yeah, CWH is a bit of a douche too.
I've tried out a similar chair when I was down in Miami earlier this year - it was from a different maker and it cost around 8000$. But if you can get your MD to write a Rx for this (for treating back pain for eg.) then theoretically you could get tax back credit making this cost nearly 30% less. If you HAVE the money to spare, this is TOTALLY worth 5000$ Think of it this way: in just under 2 months, using this daily for 1 hour, you'll have come 'even' money-wise if you consider how much you'd pay for daily massage from a human. Then again, having some young nubile chick masseuse rubbing my . . . ummm . . . stiff areas . . . maybe it's worth the cash ;^)
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